I only have one family


«It was Sunday morning. The autumn had coloured the nature with all kinds of colours, mostly red, brown and a mixture between orange and yellow. The trees stood naked, dancing slowly in the cold wind, who was moderating, while brown leaf trembled around at the hard ground. Dad and I decided to go for a walk in the forest, south of the city. The two of us went up to the hills and headed for the large mountains. I had seldom been up here, and when I looked round I regretted that fact. When I raised my head from the ground, I saw my dad crossing his arms in an attempt of keeping his body warm. His scarf was neatly folded and sort of waved to the city far away. «Well Sean» He planted a hand on my left shoulder. «Now you have dragged my all the way up here. Can you tell me more about what’s been on your mind lately?» My blue eyes fell on his face. His round cheeks were totally red. Probably because of the weather, I thought slowly. I hoped he would be helpfully- minded, and not furious like I guessed he would. He smiled to me, and raised his tomb up in the air. «Are you okay?» The expression in his face told me that this was my last chance, before he would return to our warm and cosy car. «Sean, I’m not in the mood to stand here all day, you know?» My dad’s voice cut through my thoughts like a sharp knife. And then I told him everything.»


I put my diary away. So, this was how I felt then. I scratched my right leg, while I tried to remember what he had told me afterwards. In the beginning he wanted to make a fool of me. When he saw, I didn’t care he stopped joking. My dad gave me a long speech then, but I had already made up my mind. He told me that I had lost my mind, and asked me several times what was the matter with me.


A year ago, my girlfriend walked up to me, and said she was pregnant. In the start the thought of becoming a dad scared the hell out of me. I was really relieved when Carla offered an abortion. When Carla told me, she had already informed her mom and dad. They hadn’t been overjoyed, but accepted her choice. I wasn’t sure how to deal with the money issue, so I used days thinking of a way to ask my dad for his advice. When I finally had made up my mind, Carla told me she had changed her opinion about the baby. She wanted to keep this kid. We used a day or two to discuss what to do, and it was great to discover that both of us agreed on moving in together. Now, we live in a flat south of the city. Our parents helps us with the financial part of our life. Old sports warned us about being too young and irresponsible, but we were sure that we would manage both school and this brat.


Since my dad had made it so clearly how boys who made girls pregnant should act, I thought of the day I had to tell him with dismay. He is really old fashion. Babies is the girls responsibility according to him. The only thing boys have to do is to pay for the abortion, that’s if it is a private clinic. So, I knew exactly how he would react. Each day I told myself that I’d tell him in the morning, it got more difficult to tell him. When I finally did, I ruined our relationship. The idea that my own dad thought I was a dolt hurt. I the beginning my dad was cut to the quick, since I had waited three weeks telling him the truth. For days he kept asking me what he had done to make me so scared. He could deal with the situation for me, he said, if I thought it got too hard to get rid of the girl. I tried to make him see the situation my way, but he gave me strict message that I could forget about the girl immediately. I refused to give way and since then he has been revolted at me. My dad always wants the bell at his feet. He has met Carla once or twice with a bad grace. Afterwards every single meeting I have had a quarrel with my dad about her. To put it briefly; he’s all for that I should cut her and Tony off.


I tried to find a place in the diary that said more about how I felt when he first told me I should leave Carla. The dates were hardly legible, so after a little while I gave up the attempt of finding it. Since my dad’s intentions is so out of date it’s hard to discuss with him. So, I don’t. But, often I really want to have it out with him and start all over again.


Quietly sobbing could be heard from the room where my son was supposed to be sleeping. Oh, no, I thought. I didn’t feel like a crying baby in my arms for the rest of the night. The yellow curtains that hid the door into the room sort of invited me into the room. I was just about to go in to him, when the doorbell rang. Tony sleeps lightly, so this was a bad time for the doorbell to ring. «Just great», I mumbled while I found my way to the front door.


After I had sent away some girl scouts, I stood for a while just looking at Tony. Luckily he was still asleep. I felt like I could fall asleep every second. I caressed his feet softly. His toes were so small and cute. I small talked with him for a while. How would Tony’s life turn out? Tony was a speaking likeness to his mum. It was scary to know that I was in charge of an other human beings life. I got the creeps thinking of all the sleepless nights we had shared together and would go through in the future. «Sleep tight!» I whispered to Tony before I returned to the living room.


I sat down again and buried my face in my hands. My goodness, I was tired. I skimmed through my old diary. Eventually a page written with a red pencil arrested my attention:


"Moved in with Carla. The happiest day in my life, I guess...."


As I put down the diary, I looked at the clock. It was a quarter to ten. «Hey, still up?» Carla’s whispering in my ear made me jump three inches from the chair. «Wow, that great?»She laughed and gave me a smile. «How you frightened me with that sudden sound!» Carla went rattling about the evening with the girls and didn’t seem to care whether I listened or not. After a while, she stopped talking and shook her side of the look in my face. «What’s the matter? It looks like you have bumped into a wall or something» I tried to laugh it off, but she had already got suspicious and wouldn’t be sent away easily. «Sorry, I guess I really put my foot in it when I started laughing, huh?», she said. I told her about my feelings that night. She sighed and gave me the same advice as always. «Give your old man a call and sort things out with him» Her blonde hair covered most of her face, but I could still see her freckles. I peered closely at her for a while. «This thing with your old man is really going on your nerves, isn’t it?» said Carla quietly. «Ladies and gentlemen; The fabulous Sherlock Holmes!», I said with an ironic voice. Carla crossed her arms over her chest and raised her voice: «Get real, Sean! I was only trying to help you. You can always walk up to you old man and tell him how you feel» Carla opened her mouth again but closed it when I shook my head. «I know you have tried» she said. Carla waited for me to nod before she continued. «But this time try to forgive and don’t’ try to reason him out of it. I know what he thinks about me and you, and I don’t care a brass farthing what he thinks. But, I know you do, and that he cares about you. It’s a crying shame that you two have to argue all the time». I knew she was right and I had known it the whole time.


I had been watching Carla while she talked, and her temper was getting worse. When she opened her mouth again, a well known sentence went past my mind: okay, here it comes! «You’ll have to face up to him as soon as possible. This is so typical of you, Sean. You run away from everything» I nodded and scratched my head. «You’ve had your say- now let me have mine». I told her that I knew I had to face up to my dad, and I also knew perfectly well that I had fallen out with him. But how to make friends again was a more difficult problem. For half an hour Carla told me how much my dad cared about me. At the end I was almost convinced that I had a «super- dad».


It’s hard to forget offends which my close relatives tells me. It seems like I live in the worst family in the entire world. I often confess to myself of not acting fair towards my mom and dad. But I continue making mistakes and offending them. I don’t know what to say to my dad, but «I’m sorry» is a nice start. This thing with my dad looked black indeed, but I was not going to give in. Even if I felt he acted wrong I had to forgive him. Actually, we both had to forgive. If not, my family will split. I needed to understand that this is the only family I had. My voice almost broke when I tried to speak. «Carla, do you know my parents new telephone number?»

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