Maybe there’s a God above, but all I have ever learned from love, was how to not let my self get hurt again. This time my faith was strong, but at the same time I needed proof, and the truth came shocking on the news. I’ve cried so many tears in my life, and now I’m have cried my last, but still it feels like I’m crying all the time. I’m bleeding inside and my face rolls down with the tears, and I can’t manage to pick it up.
I did my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough. I can’t seem to find some answers, not the ones I’ve been looking for. And know I’m tired of looking, I’m tired of living, and it all feels like one big black hole that’s slowly drags me in. And soon I can’t hold back, every time I’m getting nearer and nearer that black hole. Maybe all my pain goes away in that hole? Who knows?
I remember the days we met, you always made me laugh. You always had those really bad jokes, but still I had to laugh even though I didn’t like them. No I miss those jokes, and I’ve even forgotten how to laugh. Someone, please help me laugh again. I often call your name, hoping you’ll answer, but the silence does me time after time. Why so lonely, why so mad, why did you leave? You promised!
Seems just like yesterday, I woke up and you had made me breakfast, egg fried on both sides with bacon, my favorite. You always knew how to make my day, and you where a part of me. Your arms around me tight made me feel so safe. Know, I’m barely hanging on. It’s like falling out a cliff, and never hit the ground.
Now, when I wake up, the kitchen is empty, and unused. The egg and bacon does not longer taste the same, no arms who’s holding me tight, and I feel scared instead of safe. So if there is a God above, why did he take you away from me? What have I done to deserve something like that? Right now I hate my self, and since I can’t blame anyone, I blame me. Blaming myself for not stopping you that day. Why couldn’t you just have given me a sign or something? I didn’t even get to say good bye.
Even doe it hurt, the show must go on, with or without you, I have Jason to take care of, and he needs his mother and all the love he can get. He talks about you all the time and has written you a letter, ill reed it to you:
Hi up there.
It’s been a year daddy; I really, really miss you. But at least you’re safe now, in a beautiful placed called heaven. We had your favorite dinner to night, I ate it all up, even doe I don’t like carets, because you said I was going to be as big and strong as you one day, I hope so. I also learned how to swim this summer, and can even open my eyes when I’m under weather. Why can’t you see me?
I started school this year, and I always carrying a picture of us in my wallet, who mum gave me for my 6th birthday.
You know what? I can spring on the swing by my self, even doe I miss you pushing me, misses how you used to tickle me, tickle my belly, but now my belly hurts.
I try not to cry, mammy says its okay, I know you don’t like it when I cry, now I know what it means to be sad. And I don’t want to. I try daddy, but it hurts.
Is it true you’re not coming home? Maybe someday? I can visit you in heaven okay?
Anyway, it time for me to go to bed know, I’ll secretly keep the light on, just in case you came home so you can kiss me goodnight.
I love you so much, I miss you daddy.
You’re Jason.
It breaks my heart seeing him like this, but we know you’re waiting for us, and that we will see you again when the times ready.
Love you Michael <3
Norah.