I wake up every morning, and waiting for it to start over again. I get up from bed, taking a shower, get dressed and go to the bus. The same routine everyday. It’s nothing to thing over, you just do the same shit everyday. When you go to the bus, you don’t think about anything. All you see is tired people who drives to work or something like that. The bus arrives and you go on it and find a place to sit. More tired people. Someone sleeps and other laughs because they listen to a funny song on their mp3 players. They talk, laugh, make fun of eachother, but I don’t care, I can’t care. I wounder why.
When I arrive the school, everyone is happy to see each other. It’s like : “ hey! How youre doing?”. Everyday, the same shit.
The class starts and everyone sits down and the quiet times begin. The teacher talks and the rest of us listen. I draw my drawings and write poems instead. The clock’s ticking and the break begins. Everyone marches down to the cafeteria where the rest of their friends are waiting for them. Then it goes again :” hey! How you doing?”. I’m so sick of that question..
All of us, the friends of mine stand in a big circle, and talks about their problems, what happened yesterday, about parties, you name it. Then we were leaving for the door, to take a smoke. Everyone marches out, and we were standing in the same circle again. They see that I’m not in a mood. “what’s wrong” a friend of me asked me. “we’ll take it later” I said. Everyone starts chatting again , and throw their smoke on the stair. We were heading to the door.
Then someone grabbed my arm. “ can you tell me now?”
My friend asked me.
“hmm.. its just that I’m in a really bad mood..
All this crap went right to my head, and now I’m broken.
My head and heart is ruined.
Do I have feelings at all? It doesn’t seems like I have.
I’m so tired of life, I can’t take this shit anymore.
I have no words for my feelings at all..
I wish that everything would be ok, I can’t take another disaster..“ My feelings were to hard for him to handle. I saw him in the eyes, and I saw tears.
“why didn’t you tell me this sooner? I could help you, before you had it like hell..” he answerd.
All I do is to take one day at the time.. It’s like I’m waiting for a disaster, something that’s going to break me apart.. I don’t know why.
“ there is so many people who have made me the way I am, it’s like scars inside my body, my heart. Like I’m lost in a flame, and it’s burning like hell” I said to him..
Now I had to go to my classroom. I went up without saying a word. It was weird.. should I say what I told him? Maybe I just should kept it for myself. The hours left at school went so fast! Now I’m going home soon.. I wasn’t thinking.. I just grabbed my bag and went out the door.. heading for the town.
All of my friends were there, and the special one that I told everything to. He couldn’t even look at me. I wnt to them, and everyone was quiet. “ so.. how are you feeling? “ someone asked me. “ uh, fine I guess? “ I answerd him. Everyone looked at him.. yes, the one I opened myself to. It was the first time I had told it to anyone!
I figured it out. He had told them everything. They knewed. Why did he do it? Why couldn’t I disappear.. I felt so empty.
I went inside, go right through the mall, and took the bus home. The phone rang all the time, it was him.
I didn’t answer..
When I got home, I locked myself into my room. Sat in the bed and listen to some deep, dark music. I cryed.. I had paper and a pen.. I started writing my last letter:
“ I balme you for those feelings I have.
I’ve been hurted so many times,
I didn’t know
that you would do this to me.
Now, I’m crying because of you.
Did you enjoy it? Are you happy now?
Cause now, I don’t feel anything else but hate.
Soon I’ll be gone. Would you be happy then?
I wish you could die. Just lying in a box for the rest of your lifetime.
The spiders on the wall, slowly crawling into your nose and mouth.
The worms that eat your body, so only your skillet is left.
I hate you so much.. “
I’d cut myself on my rists, took a couple of sleeping pills and went to bed. Actually a lot of pills..