No one can ever describe in words how hard it is. How hard it is to fear failing a challenge. The feeling when you know you can´t stand it anymore, and you know everything might be lost soon. That is a real challenge. My challenge.
Once, the only challenge for me was to fit in. I needed friends who could love me for who I was, and what I stood for. How could I ever succeed in such a hard task? «It´s not that hard» most people would say. They are wrong. It was the hardest challenge of my life, until now. No one ever talked to me. No one knew who I was. I was just a faded shaddow in the hallway. A shaddow with a dream.
The dream soon became a challenge, and the challenge became a task. I had to succeed, or else I wouldn´t survive. It was like a game. A sick game. I did everything I could to be heard. Nothing else mattered. Even school got blurred out of the list over imporant things. There was only one word, written all over the page. Friends.
Today I have friends. Not many, but a few. They saved my life, like angels from the sky. I don´t know what happened. I can´t remember, but at least they´re here now. Now. What about tomorrow? Maybe. Maybe not. By tomorrow they can have disappeared. Everything can have disappeared by tomorrow. Maybe I wake up and realise everything was just a dream. Or maybe my friends changes their minds, and won´t like me anymore. That´s my daily challenge. Living in the fear of losing my friends.
They never lie to me. I´m always one of their first priority. They will always help me out if I´m in trouble, but still I can´t be sure. What if they don´t really like me? What if they´re just being nice out of pure pity? Maybe they´re just using my trust to them? I´ll never know for sure. That´s why trusting people is a part of my daily challenge. It´s like walking around blindfolded with people you have to trust, showing you the way through a labyrinth of tasks. A lot of people don´t understand my fear of people letting me down, but if they knew, if they had felt what it was like... What it was like, walking around that same labyrinth all alone. All alone. Blindfolded. Searching through the darkness for a pair of helping hands reaching out for you. Hands you never find. That´s hell. Pure hell. I don´t want to go back there, and search all over again.
That´s why I´m scared of failing the challenge, and that´s why the fear is a challenge itself.