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Chronicles of ridiculous
Morsom science fiction fortelling med amerikasatire.
This is a dark and engrossing story about Neb aylabar
Many stories have been made about this Hero from the time where mac bonnalds, slow food and webphones where an usual sight.
He had walked for many days now. His cloth was wet and his stomach hurt like hell.
He had been trapped in the dessert for 1 year without anything but cakes and “Epepepelepsi” to drink.
He had fallen down into the roof one day when he had tried to get his gigantic slingshot to work. His plan had been to get enough “firepowder” to get him all the way to the moon and beyond. His family had been dog trainers who trained dogs to perform the growling for black metal bands when they got tired. And the family always wanted Neb to be a dog trainer , but his goals where far higher - Beyond the stars actually. He wanted to be the first person ever to start a bowling alley in outer space.
He saw a gleam of light in a far distance away. The distance could be a bit of now since all the fat had made a thick layer around his eyes.
There he is yelled a small dwarf which you could say was wider than tall (and not tell more than a white lie).
He smoked this big fat cigar and the black smoke quickly melted all of the ice-cream cakes around him. We finally found you. We have been plowing through these cakes for 2 months even three persons have been sent to “slim_shady” camp.
So why are you looking for me then. His voice shudder quite a bit by a numerous of reasons.
1 There where practically not one law he had not broken while building the sling shot
2 The fat sucking machine shudder quite a bit.
3 The smoke got down his throat and mixed with the illegal colour stuff in the cakes.
4 He tought about a live with no more sugary sweetness.
You have eaten your way through year 1999,2000,2001 production of old cakes and goodies.
Hey what can I say I was hungry and hey wait I did not eat the 2001 production!
The dwarf nearly choked on his cigar. What eh um we had to plow through it as a lunch while we searched for you anyway. So you better have 300 “whazillions.”
Wha Neb said I don’t have that kind of chash on me, I better accept your insanely dangerous mission. Mmm I didn’t mention anything about a mission. I just wanted to ask you what the one tomato said to the other after it got run over by a car, but since you joined voluntary we can take you with us.
Neb (which is short for Nebuchadnezzar) had now got all his fat sucked away and transformed into burgers which where sold at “Mc bonnals.” He got new clothes and a brand new soul which they traded for the salvation of the human kind.
He now looked more humanly. Blue eyes red hair and a nose who pointed straight out.
The main reason this book had not described Neb before is that it was hard to find a suitable description except a floating ball of fat and flesh.
ATTENTION words marked with “” will be explained on the last pages of the book
So what is this plan about anyway? He stuffed a bag of German fries into his mouth while trying to drink a bucket of “Gnurrg” at the same time. Well in fact we are the EDD and don’t ask, that stands for Earth Dessert Defenders who defend the earth against mass destruction weapons of cakes we have not found any proof of MDWOC in Africa but we will keep searching for it we might have a lead here in America.
You in the other hand have a really dark and evil future ahead of you. Just this motnh we got a brand new offer for paying of your debt. You can travel into space and discovered if the moon is really made of wensleydale cheese this will even leave you with 50cent
If this is true I will be president. My parents always said when the moon is made of Wenslayde cheese you will be president. The cafeteria lady got first aid after inhaled the sigar smoke.
So the microscopical dwarf who still no one had asked for his name only asked her for half a bucket of worms. After they had gotten a couple more drinks they staggered their way ro the secret launching pad. “N.O.S.E.S (Norwegian ocular secret embezzled service).
where embezzling was just a cover.
Neb could not believe his eyes, ears or mouth he would get his dream would finally come true be rich smart and famous all at the same time. All he had to do was travel to the moon eat a ½ of the moon and make a bowling alley on the other part.
As neb tried to judge if mr. Buttocks - the dwarf`s name(he made a smart move not telling it)
nose was bigger than his lips butt$€€£$ lets just keep calling him dwarf ok
So when mr.dwarf explained the security rules Neb poked Dwarf various times and places as well as watching Armageddon as the only training he had.
He entered the space ship. He looked at the dashboard which luckily just had a big red button and the a fancy title bellow – ( |Launch me| ) –.
He pressed the red button… The engines start sparking and blue and green smoke rose against the sky which poisoned nearly all persons on the ground. It left a big green blotch which had to be removed by the animal squad.
Neb turned around and looked for a stereo but instead he found the onboard supercomputer to play lethal metal just when “Ironbachelor” sung run to the hills and bring your pills.
The ship started to move slower and all around the ship there where these small flying animals which played some weird symphonic pop opera. Their clothes looked like they where from the eighties.
Neb tought it was an illusion from all the “bier” he had been pumping into his veins when he discovered that he had a far to high blood percentage in his alcohol actually it was as high as 3.14159 26535 89793
But these alien thingies didn’t go away even after Neb smashed his head against the super computer. All dizzy he did not hear the door bell before the aliens kicked down the door.
Who are and what do you want ? the aliens was butt ugly but weirdly they started pointing at Neb laughing they even took pictures of him.
He spoke with death and violence in his voice. We bring you pain and suffering. Why neb responded. Im “bård” and so are my friends. We to brain wash you.
Well ehrmm that seems quite stupid why do you need to brainwash me ?
The two monsters screamed and start running around in the small ship screaming
HE SAID THE “P WORD”. And before Ned could clarify that he did not under any circumstances say the “P WORD” He got stunned until he fell asleep since the monsters only had 5volts stun clubs.
he woke up and was chained to a chair which was chained to the floor and the room was chained to a bigger room which was chained to an even bigger room which was connected to the space ship.
In this room there were a big flat screen and “neckphones”
A voice which had been manipulated so no one could recognize it spoke.
allo allo Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once You will have to listen to the worst of the worst music for mentioning the P WORD and that’s the most evil satanistic group you will ever hear. a flourish music played in the background.
Neb was laughing, not because of the evil plans he would be exposed to in a matter of seconds but because the voice was dubbed into the smurfs.
After the music started to stream out of the neckphones he understood why this was the
second most dangerous song in the world. Luckily the aliens didn’t have enough guts to try to record the “CrAzY FяoG”. After a minute the music stopped and a really really really small man entered the room. he even entered through the keyhole.
He said >The man of the moon wants to see you.
neb quickly hidden the toothpick he had tried to take Suicide with. Unfortunately he hit the little life guard to the gnome.
Well I better come then. They walked outside the small room and into a rowboat.
well the moon is just 238,857 miles away. Said the small gnome. Neb thought it would take months or even light years to get to the moon but, the gnome (he doesn’t like to be called that so we just say it silent)
had installed Duracell batteries into the oars so the trip only took a day.
Even over so short time Neb had been quite tired of hearing
99billions bottles of cerebellums on the wall.
And even and two gnomes had been killed by accidents
He still had not figured why the earlier spaceships had not seen the aliens.
could be because N.O.S.E.S only picked the stupidest crew to travel to the space.
They had to walk quite a while since Surgh the captain didn’t find a parking spot.
there where all kinds of aliens on the moon acidcats ,radioactive men (from the chernobyl planet ) the half-siblings folk and last but also least the willy wonka people (The gnomes remember ?) but Neb had not got a taste of the moon yet since they had been walking inside for the whole time.
The doors had got an emotion brick but suffered from the door virus manic happiness and laughed just like krusty the clown.
and this laughter was the first thing the man of the moon heard when they entered the room
There is something fishy in here
He had a dark cape dark sunglasses from the eighties and black fearsome disco shoes
Ah hello Neb you must be curious what’s going on here
Well Neb didn’t quite listen since he as usual was trying to get some food which for now included emptying the fish bowl
hey what are you doing ! don’t eat my fish.
The man of the moon pushed a button he had under his desk
A few things happened next
1 the gravity got turned of
2 All the windows in the whole facility opened
3 A huge rolling rock crushed the man beside Neb
4 A hatch in the floor opened beneath Neb
Dam !Well I guess I have to tell you the plan all after all then.
A long time ago aliens got tired of making peace with other planets, conquering new ones
and shooting eating each other
so a group of planets made a ceiling around a planet which was quite slow in the evolution theory. If you where wondering this planet was earth. And tons of cameras
so for millions of years aliens have watched you evolve from apes to grapes
or The Human show as we call it. We got an average of 20 quadrillion viewers each week
But after you guys starting to create fly machines you have given us quite a headache.
so we had to brainwash a couple of space men we even had to remove some of the earthlings braiinnnnnzzzzz which where explained as zombies. One of those we removed the brain from actually made it to be the president of the united primates.
Well we better get moving before the crescent come and take us.
Well I just got one question about this sick sick sick (yes that’s how sick it was even the fishing bowl turned into some nasty green colour ) is the moon made out of wensleydale cheese ?
Will would have to build the worlds most intellectual computer which we have made to discover the last number in Pi how many doughnuts Homer Simpson’s can eat and how long is a piece of string
So this should piece of cake.
They fed the computer with the information and shortly after the computer spoke The answer is 42 oh wait that was the other question. Mm come back in a million years. Hey wait I don’t have that long and my family and that EDD dwarf. He did not get a chance to finish his sentence before the machine spoke again, NOOOT …oh what now cant machines have humour your hurting my feelings.
Just tell me the god dam answer please
Ok ok this was the hardest question yet to answer is yes and 42
Sir? The earth is going abnormal Pigs are flying ,Else have lost twelve pounds and buttocks have become president
So… is there any possibility I could stay here at moon and start a bowling alley ?
Well I don’t think so now that you have ruined our game show we will be moving to a new planet most likely the sun to start filming that one. And you cant start a bowling alley with zero gravity. NoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO some says that they heard this scream in both ends of the galaxy at gods place and in hell.
Luckily Neb got a good future he started to sell books which had the fancy title on the backside DO PANIC and always bring a towel which he made a fortune on.
The book he proudly called the original name H2G2
WARNING YOU HAVE NOW READ CAPITAL LETTERS and discovered the glossary list
“Epepepelepsi” This is a drink which both taste like the epic drink pepsi and aswell gives you
epilepsies. This is what 98% of the inhabitants of earth drink these days
“firepowder” This is a powder which produces energy it is really expensive since
it was produced each time a person said the “P WORD”
“slim_shady” camp. This is a camp for people who have Joined the AA
“whazillions.” The biggest numerical unit there is. There is nobody who can tell you how big
all you know when you hear it you say wha?
Mc bonnals The biggest slow food factory they get the fat from extreme fakeover and use it
in their burgers
“Gnurrg” you know the sound you make when you stretch your hands over your head
right after you have woke up ? that’s how it tastes like
“Ironbachelor” The greatest Metal bands which sings about all from iron, nickel, lead
aluminium, tin, copper, zinc to the heavier stuff like gold, silver, tantalum, , palladium rhodium and platinum.
Their most played song run to the hills and bring your pills
is about when theold age welfare services gets an invasion of ninjas on one
one wheel bikes
“bård” In the time of mobiles the mobile language took over and destroyed the
normal language so bad they had to create a new one. Bård (pronounced
bored) slip through it's also a name
THE P WORD (always written in capitall letters) this word is so bad people kill all who knew what it was. The worst insult you can say today is You said The p word.
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