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How to accept being number two
Hvordan akseptere å ikke være den beste bestandig? Skal man gjøre ting du føler deg pliktet til i stedet for å følge dine egne følelser og lyster?
“There will be challenges to face and changes to make in your life, and it`s up to you to accept them”. That`s how the life actually is. Sometimes the challenges has a particular motive. You could be expected to do something, that is a challenge for you.
In my opinion, challenges are there to make you stronger! None of us are able to go through our life, without challenges making us to a better person with new experiences and new knowledge. Challenges are our sources for personal development!
You will always meet them, the challenges. In times, you`ll meet them everyday, and you could also be expected to handle them all alone. In fact, it could be a hard enough decision, to realize that you can`t always show your strength in a brave way. After all, you`ll see how brave a person is, if it`s able to see that adversity makes you strong.
At the moment I got a big challenge. The challenge has been the same for years, but it started when I got older. Then the longing started, the longing for being the best.
It `s hard and it`s tough, it`s probably a problem for me. Or maybe it`s not a problem, just one of the life challenges. I know that I got to work with it, and I know it will be hard, because by nature, I am a girl who wants to do everything completely perfect. That is impossible, it’s not even human...
You shouldn’t manage everything. But I`ve always been like that. Since kindergarten. I could sit there alone with my puzzles, learning the alphabet, calculating and painting. I tried to do it best, and when I`ve decided that I wanted to be number one, I usually became number one.
But I do never feel comfortable about my own work. Nothing seems to be good enough, eventhough it is! My problem, is that the expectations doesn`t come from my parents, my teachers or my friends, they come from me! I make my own demands, which sometimes is too hard to reach. If I don`t reach my goals, I become angry, sad and not least disappointed.
The worst of it, is the dissapointment. Perhaps this seems like a trifle, but it`s not. In fact, this challenge makes me tired. I`m better now, than before, but the instinct of competition is still there. My dad says: “You should have been an athlete, so you could have ran out your big hunger of being the best”.
-“No, I can`t, I`ve got to be the greatest violin-player”. I often do things I feel I have to do, don`t want to do. Now, when I have laid my career as a violinplayer behind, I do have more time. I can read books, and do things I really want to do. I`m still playing the violin, but I don`t play songs that needs practise, and I don`t play at the same, high level anymore. Now, I`m playing what I want, not what my violin-teacher wants me to play. In fact, I feel more pleasure with the playing now, when I don`t need to niggle at a big work by Mozart or Haydn. I`ve done my choice.
I`ve been playing at a high level, a really high level, since I`ve started, at the age of 5. Now, 10 years later, I finally feel the pleasure with what I`ve done these 10 years.
I want to make it clear, that I`ve started to work with my challenge, and I feel that I`ve been failing at that point for some years now, and that the time has come to make my life. I want to become the person I`ve always wanted to be, because that is the biggest challenge of them all...I need to live my life, and be comfortable about myself and my work. I want to make sure that I`m still the same girl, but I got other, more healthy expectations.
I want to accept that being number two, could be my biggest challenge...
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