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"Victoria" av Knut Hamsun


Bokanalyse av Knut Hamsuns "Victoria".
Sjanger:Analyse/tolkningLastet opp:12.09.2012
Språkform:BokmålForfatter:Anonym
Tema:Victoria
Verktøy:Utskrift   Del på Facebook


Boken «Victoria» er skrevet av Knut Hamsun, og er en roman bok som var utgitt i 1898. Romanen er om en forbudt kjærlighet mellom møllerens sønn Johannes, og slottsherrens datter Victoria.

 

Romanen starter med at Johannes for et oppdrag av faren til å ro noen fra et selskap fra slottet over til slotts Øyen. Mens de var der prøver Johannes å prøve og tiltrekker Victorias oppmerksomhet, men det viser seg å være vanskelig, siden Victoria er fra en annen klasse. Slik starter boka.

 

I løpt av romanen reiser Johannes til byen for å studere. Der utvikler han seg til å bli en oppfinnsom forfatter, og utvikler seg til å bli moden, og mer omtenksom, selv om det ikke var noe han manglet fra barn domen. Da Johannes kom hjem var han i samme båt som slottsherrens sønn. Der møter Johannes Victoria. Johannes prøvde å hilse på henne, men Victoria later som hun ikke kjenner han, og ikke husker hvem han var. Johannes blir forvirret, og blir fortalt at Victoria gjorde det hun gjorde, fordi hun var forlovet med Otto.

 

Grunnen til at Victoria forlovet seg med Otto, var fordi at faren hadde penge problemer, men hvis Victoria gifter seg med Otto, kommer sannsynligvis faren til å klare seg ut av penge problemene sine, for Otto var ingen fattig mann. Likevel må Victoria godta at hun var forlovet til Otto og må gifte seg senere. Victoria hadde ingen følelser for Otto, men hadde stor kjærlighets følelse for Johannes, selv om hun må skjule følelsene sine til Johannes for det meste av tida.

 

Viktoria og Johannes elsker hverandre, men ingen av dem har ikke lyst til å avsløre kjærligheten sin for hverandre. En dag i et selskap på slottsgården gjør Viktoria Johannes litt narr. Nå hadde Johannes fått nok av all de forvirringene av den forbudte kjærligheten mellom de to, og forlover seg med Camilla som er mye yngre enn seg selv. Camilla er en jente som Johannes reddet da hun falt av en båt, og holdte på å drukne for mange år siden.

 

Etter som romanen forseter, midt i handlingen, blir Victoria fortalt at hennes forlovede var blitt skutt i en jaktulykke. Viktoria blir lei seg, ikke fordi hun elsket Otto, men fordi hun tenkte på hvordan faren skulle klare seg igjen nå som Otto var død. Hun prøvde å trøste seg med å gå til Johannes, men hun fikk ingen trøst, i stedet for hun vite at Johannes er forlovet med Camilla. Dette må Victoria bare godta, og hun går til slottet sitt. Når Victoria nærmet seg slottet, for hun enda mer smerte å lide for. Faren var forvirret over hvordan han skulle komme seg ut av penge problemene sine, siden Otto var død, og tente på huset, og seg selv.

 

Victoria er helt knust og sorger over sin fars død, og gutten hun aldri kommer til å få tilbake. Johannes er heler ikke glad. Camilla som er forlovet til Johannes var veldig mye ute, og en dag kommer hun hjem til Johannes og forteller at hun hadde truffet en engelsk mann som heter Richmond.

 

Johannes var på vei til Victoria for å hilse på henne, men blir stanset av en mann, og blir fortalt at Victoria er død. Han fikk et brev av mannen og gikk tilbake til huset sitt. I brevet som Victoria hadde skrevet til Johannes like før hun døde sto det om hvor mye hun elsket Johannes, og hvorfor hun ikke kunne gifte seg med ham, og om hvor lei seg hun var for alt hun gjorde mot ham. Slik endte romanen.


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En gang i blant skrives det kommentarer som mangler seriøsitet eller som ikke har noe med oppgavens tema å gjøre. Hjelp oss å rydde! Klikk 'varsle' nederst til høyre på de meldinger du mener må bort. Så fjerner redaksjonen kommentarene etter hvert.

yolokolo
06.03.2015 11:51

Bra!
1016
anbefalinger
on my way to top comment biatches!!!!! anal-ysen suger, masse skrivefeil!!!!!

seiersten
15.01.2015 11:50

Bra!
487
anbefalinger
Hei alle i 10 C som ikke gidder å lese romanen


25.01.2016 11:05

Bra!
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anbefalinger
SHREK

Written by

William Steig & Ted Elliott




SHREK
Once upon a time there was a lovely
princess. But she had an enchantment
upon her of a fearful sort which could
only be broken by love's first kiss.
She was locked away in a castle guarded
by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
Many brave knights had attempted to
free her from this dreadful prison,
but non prevailed. She waited in the
dragon's keep in the highest room of
the tallest tower for her true love
and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
Like that's ever gonna happen. What
a load of - (toilet flush)

Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
after the ogre.

NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME

MAN1
Think it's in there?

MAN2
All right. Let's get it!

MAN1
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
thing can do to you?

MAN3
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
bread.

Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

SHREK
Yes, well, actually, that would be a
giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
They'll make a suit from your freshly
peeled skin.

MEN
No!

SHREK
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
quite good on toast.

MAN1
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
(waves the torch at Shrek.)

Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
men are in the dark.

SHREK
This is the part where you run away.
(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
And stay out! (looks down and picks
up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
throws the paper over his shoulder.)


THE NEXT DAY

There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
little pigs.

GUARD
All right. This one's full. Take it
away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!


HEAD GUARD
Next!

GUARD
(taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
Your flying days are over. (breaks the
broom in half)

HEAD GUARD
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
Next!

GUARD
Get up! Come on!

HEAD GUARD
Twenty pieces.

LITTLE BEAR
(crying) This cage is too small.

DONKEY
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
Give me another chance!

OLD WOMAN
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

DONKEY
Oh!

HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?

GIPETTO
This little wooden puppet.

PINOCCHIO
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
nose grows)

HEAD GUARD
Five shillings for the possessed toy.
Take it away.

PINOCCHIO
Father, please! Don't let them do this!
Help me!

Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
to the table.

HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?

OLD WOMAN
Well, I've got a talking donkey.

HEAD GUARD
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
if you can prove it.

OLD WOMAN
Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Donkey just looks up at her.

HEAD GUARD
Well?

OLD WOMAN
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
Talk, you boneheaded dolt...

HEAD GUARD
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!


OLD WOMAN
No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
you ever saw.

HEAD GUARD
Get her out of my sight.

OLD WOMAN
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
with fairy dust and he's able to fly.

DONKEY
Hey! I can fly!

PETER PAN
He can fly!

3 LITTLE PIGS
He can fly!

HEAD GUARD
He can talk!

DONKEY
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
a flying, talking donkey. You might
have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
to the ground.)

He hits the ground with a thud.

HEAD GUARD
Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
After him!

GUARDS
He's getting away! Get him! This way!
Turn!

Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
quickly hides behind Shrek.

HEAD GUARD
You there. Ogre!

SHREK
Aye?

HEAD GUARD
By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
to place you both under arrest and transport
you to a designated resettlement facility.


SHREK
Oh, really? You and what army?

He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
begins walking back to his cottage.

DONKEY
Can I say something to you? Listen,
you was really, really, really somethin'
back here. Incredible!

SHREK
Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
around and Donkey is right in front
of him.) Whoa!

DONKEY
Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
you that you that you was great back
here? Those guards! They thought they
was all of that. Then you showed up,
and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
like babes in the woods. That really
made me feel good to see that.

SHREK
Oh, that's great. Really.

DONKEY
Man, it's good to be free.

SHREK
Now, why don't you go celebrate your
freedom with your own friends? Hmm?


DONKEY
But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
stick with you. You're mean, green,
fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
the spit out of anybody that crosses
us.

Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
loudly.

DONKEY
Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
don't mind me sayin', if that don't
work, your breath certainly will get
the job done, 'cause you definitely
need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
you breath stinks! You almost burned
the hair outta my nose, just like the
time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
continues to talk, so Shrek removes
his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
berries. I had strong gases leaking
out of my butt that day.

SHREK
Why are you following me?

DONKEY
I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
me, My problems have all gone, There's
no one to deride me, But you gotta have
faith...

SHREK
Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
have any friends.

DONKEY
Wow. Only a true friend would be that
cruelly honest.

SHREK
Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
me. What am I?

DONKEY
(looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
tall?

SHREK
No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
bother you?

DONKEY
Nope.

SHREK
Really?

DONKEY
Really, really.

SHREK
Oh.

DONKEY
Man, I like you. What's you name?

SHREK
Uh, Shrek.

DONKEY
Shrek? Well, you know what I like about
you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
thing. I like that. I respect that,
Shrek. You all right. (They come over
a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)
Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live
in place like that?

SHREK
That would be my home.

DONKEY
Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.
You know you are quite a decorator.
It's amazing what you've done with such
a modest budget. I like that boulder.
That is a nice boulder. I guess you
don't entertain much, do you?

SHREK
I like my privacy.

DONKEY
You know, I do too. That's another thing
we have in common. Like I hate it when
you got somebody in your face. You've
trying to give them a hint, and they
won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
(awkward silence) Can I stay with you?


SHREK
Uh, what?

DONKEY
Can I stay with you, please?

SHREK
(sarcastically) Of course!

DONKEY
Really?

SHREK
No.

DONKEY
Please! I don't wanna go back there!
You don't know what it's like to be
considered a freak. (pause while he
looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.
But that's why we gotta stick together.
You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!


SHREK
Okay! Okay! But one night only.

DONKEY
Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)


SHREK
What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto
a chair.) No! No!

DONKEY
This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
late, swappin' manly stories, and in
the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

SHREK
Oh!

DONKEY
Where do, uh, I sleep?

SHREK
(irritated) Outside!

DONKEY
Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,
I don't know you, and you don't know
me, so I guess outside is best, you
know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek
slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was
born outside. I'll just be sitting by
myself outside, I guess, you know. By
myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's
no one here beside me...

SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights
a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a
noise. He stands up with a huff.

SHREK
(to Donkey) I thought I told you to
stay outside.

DONKEY
(from the window) I am outside.

There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that
made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns
and spots 3 blind mice on his table.

BLIND MOUSE1
Well, gents, it's a far cry from the
farm, but what choice do we have?


BLIND MOUSE2
It's not home, but it'll do just fine.


GORDO
(bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.


SHREK
Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes
and lands on his shoulder.)

GORDO
I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's
ear)

SHREK
Ow!

GORDO
Blah! Awful stuff.

BLIND MOUSE1
Is that you, Gordo?

GORDO
How did you know?

SHREK
Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are
you doing in my house? (He gets bumped
from behind and he drops the mice.)
Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves
with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,
no, no. Dead broad off the table.


DWARF
Where are we supposed to put her? The
bed's taken.

SHREK
Huh?

Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at
him.

BIG BAD WOLF
What?

TIME LAPSE

Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging
him to the front door.

SHREK
I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm
a terrifying ogre! What do I have to
do get a little privacy? (He opens the
front door to throw the Wolf out and
he sees that all the collected Fairy
Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,
no. No! No!

The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his
pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing
flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.


SHREK
What are you doing in my swamp? (this
echoes and everyone falls silent.)


Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
tent.

SHREK
All right, get out of here. All of you,
move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!
Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
dwarves run inside the house) No, no!
No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
look at Donkey)

DONKEY
Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
them.

PINOCCHIO
Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

SHREK
What?

PINOCCHIO
We were forced to come here.

SHREK
(flabbergasted) By who?

LITTLE PIG
Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed
and he...signed an eviction notice.


SHREK
(heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
this Farquaad guy is?

Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

DONKEY
Oh, I do. I know where he is.

SHREK
Does anyone else know where to find
him? Anyone at all?

DONKEY
Me! Me!

SHREK
Anyone?

DONKEY
Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
Me, me!

SHREK
(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
tale things. Do not get comfortable.
Your welcome is officially worn out.
In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad
right now and get you all off my land
and back where you came from! (Pause.
Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
You! You're comin' with me.

DONKEY
All right, that's what I like to hear,
man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart
friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
adventure. I love it!

DONKEY
(singing) On the road again. Sing it
with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get
on the road again.

SHREK
What did I say about singing?

DONKEY
Can I whistle?

SHREK
No.

DONKEY
Can I hum it?

SHREK
All right, hum it.

Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

DULOC - KITCHEN

A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually
dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.

FARQUAAD
That's enough. He's ready to talk.


The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down
onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the
table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes
up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.


FARQUAAD
(he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs
and plays with them) Run, run, run,
as fast as you can. You can't catch
me. I'm the gingerbread man.

GINGERBREAD MAN
You are a monster.

FARQUAAD
I'm not the monster here. You are. You
and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
me! Where are the others?

GINGERBREAD MAN
Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's
eye.)

FARQUAAD
I've tried to be fair to you creatures.
Now my patience has reached its end!
Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to
pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)


GINGERBREAD MAN
No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
buttons.

FARQUAAD
All right then. Who's hiding them?


GINGERBREAD MAN
Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the
muffin man?

FARQUAAD
The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man.

FARQUAAD
Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
on Drury Lane?

GINGERBREAD MAN
Well, she's married to the muffin man.


FARQUAAD
The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man!

FARQUAAD
She's married to the muffin man.

The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

HEAD GUARD
My lord! We found it.

FARQUAAD
Then what are you waiting for? Bring
it in.

More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
Mirror.

GINGERBREAD MAN
(in awe) Ohhhh...

FARQUAAD
Magic mirror...

GINGERBREAD MAN
Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
him up and dumps him into a trash can
with a lid.) No!

FARQUAAD
Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Is this not the most perfect kingdom
of them all?

MIRROR
Well, technically you're not a king.


FARQUAAD
Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
hand mirror and smashes it with his
fist.) You were saying?

MIRROR
What I mean is you're not a king yet.
But you can become one. All you have
to do is marry a princess.

FARQUAAD
Go on.

MIRROR
(chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
and relax, my lord, because it's time
for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
And here they are! Bachelorette number
one is a mentally abused shut-in from
a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
include cooking and cleaning for her
two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
(shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
number two is a cape-wearing girl from
the land of fancy. Although she lives
with seven other men, she's not easy.
Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
find out what a live wire she is. Come
on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
picture of Snow White) And last, but
certainly not last, bachelorette number
three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
But don't let that cool you off. She's
a loaded pistol who likes pina colads
and getting caught in the rain. Yours
for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
number two or bachelorette number three?


GUARDS
Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!


FARQUAAD
Three? One? Three?

THELONIUS
Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
three, my lord!

FARQUAAD
Okay, okay, uh, number three!

MIRROR
Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess
Fiona.

FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I
have to do is just find someone who
can go...

MIRROR
But I probably should mention the little
thing that happens at night.

FARQUAAD
I'll do it.

MIRROR
Yes, but after sunset...

FARQUAAD
Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
my queen, and DuLoc will finally have
the perfect king! Captain, assemble
your finest men. We're going to have
a tournament. (smiles evilly)

DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.

DONKEY
But that's it. That's it right there.
That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.


SHREK
So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.


DONKEY
Uh-huh. That's the place.

SHREK
Do you think maybe he's compensating
for something? (He laughs, but then
groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.
He continues walking through the parking
lot.)

DONKEY
Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

MAN
Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.


SHREK
Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
screams and begins running through the
rows of rope to get to the front gate
to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.
Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just
- - I just - - (He sighs and then begins
walking straight through the rows. The
attendant runs into a wall and falls
down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
continue on into DuLoc.)

DULOC

They look around but all is quiet.

SHREK
It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?


DONKEY
Hey, look at this!

Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors
open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
to sing.

WOODEN PEOPLE
Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town


Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect place.

Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.

DONKEY
Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready
to run over and pull the lever again)


SHREK
(grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)
No. No. No, no, no! No.

They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

FARQUAAD
Brave knights. You are the best and
brightest in all the land. Today one
of you shall prove himself...

As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.

SHREK
All right. You're going the right way
for a smacked bottom.

DONKEY
Sorry about that.

FARQUAAD
That champion shall have the honor -
- no, no - - the privilege to go forth
and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
from the fiery keep of the dragon. If
for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
the first runner-up will take his place
and so on and so forth. Some of you
may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing
to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
that? It's hideous!

SHREK
(turns to look at Donkey and then back
at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.
It's just a donkey.

FARQUAAD
Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
kills the ogre will be named champion!
Have it him!

MEN
Get him!

SHREK
Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
into a table where there are mugs of
beer)

CROWD
Go ahead! Get him!

SHREK
(holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just
settle this over a pint?

CROWD
Kill the beast!

SHREK
No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
Come on!

He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides
past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.
Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice
to say that Shrek kicks butt.

DONKEY
Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek
gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.

SHREK
Yeah!

A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
and sees him.

WOMAN
The chair! Give him the chair!

Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.

SHREK
Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try
the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
Shrek.

HEAD GUARD
Shall I give the order, sir?

FARQUAAD
No, I have a better idea. People of
DuLoc, I give you our champion!

SHREK
What?

FARQUAAD
Congratulations, ogre. You're won the
honor of embarking on a great and noble
quest.

SHREK
Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest
to get my swamp back.

FARQUAAD
Your swamp?

SHREK
Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
fairy tale creatures!

FARQUAAD
Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you
a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
I'll give you your swamp back.

SHREK
Exactly the way it was?

FARQUAAD
Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.


SHREK
And the squatters?

FARQUAAD
As good as gone.

SHREK
What kind of quest?

Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.

DONKEY
Let me get this straight. You're gonna
go fight a dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back
a swamp which you only don't have because
he filled it full of freaks in the first
place. Is that about right?

SHREK
You know, maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.

DONKEY
I don't get it. Why don't you just pull
some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle
him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds
his bones to make your bread, the whole
ogre trip.

SHREK
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
decapitated an entire village and put
their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,
cut open their spleen and drink their
fluids. Does that sound good to you?


DONKEY
Uh, no, not really, no.

SHREK
For your information, there's a lot
more to ogres than people think.

DONKEY
Example?

SHREK
Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
(he holds out his onion)

DONKEY
(sniffs the onion) They stink?

SHREK
Yes - - No!

DONKEY
They make you cry?

SHREK
No!

DONKEY
You leave them in the sun, they get
all brown, start sproutin' little white
hairs.

SHREK
No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers! Onions have layers. You
get it? We both have layers. (he heaves
a sigh and then walks off)

DONKEY
(trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both
have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,
not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody
loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

SHREK
I don't care... what everyone likes.
Ogres are not like cakes.

DONKEY
You know what else everybody likes?
Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,
you say, "Let's get some parfait," they
say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?
Parfaits are delicious.

SHREK
No! You dense, irritating, miniature
beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!
And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.


DONKEY
Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
on the whole damn planet.

SHREK
You know, I think I preferred your humming.


DONKEY
Do you have a tissue or something? I'm
making a mess. Just the word parfait
make me start slobbering.

They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,
so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.

DRAGON'S KEEP

Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to
house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.


DONKEY
(sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
You gotta warn somebody before you just
crack one off. My mouth was open and
everything.

SHREK
Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd
be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We
must be getting close.

DONKEY
Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking
about it's the brimstone. I know what
I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It
didn't come off no stone neither.


They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There
is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where
the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very
foreboding.

SHREK
Sure, it's big enough, but look at the
location. (laughs...then the laugh turns
into a groan)

DONKEY
Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said
ogres have layers?

SHREK
Oh, aye.

DONKEY
Well, I have a bit of a confession to
make. Donkeys don't have layers. We
wear our fear right out there on our
sleeves.

SHREK
Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.


DONKEY
You know what I mean.

SHREK
You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.


DONKEY
No, I'm just a little uncomfortable
about being on a rickety bridge over
a boiling like of lava!

SHREK
Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside
ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll
just tackle this thing together one
little baby step at a time.

DONKEY
Really?

SHREK
Really, really.

DONKEY
Okay, that makes me feel so much better.


SHREK
Just keep moving. And don't look down.


DONKEY
Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.
Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't
look down. (he steps through a rotting
board and ends up looking straight down
into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me
off, please!

SHREK
But you're already halfway.

DONKEY
But I know that half is safe!

SHREK
Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.
You go back.

DONKEY
Shrek, no! Wait!

SHREK
Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance
then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
bridge)

DONKEY
Don't do that!

SHREK
Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
the bridge again)

DONKEY
Yes, that!

SHREK
Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across
the bridge)

DONKEY
No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

SHREK
You said do it! I'm doin' it.

DONKEY
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,
I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
Oh!

SHREK
That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks
towards the castle)

DONKEY
Cool. So where is this fire-breathing
pain-in-the-neck anyway?

SHREK
Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
(chuckles)

DONKEY
I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.


INSIDE THE CASTLE

DONKEY
You afraid?

SHREK
No.

DONKEY
But...

SHREK
Shh.

DONKEY
Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong
with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
response to an unfamiliar situation.
Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
add. With a dragon that breathes fire
and eats knights and breathes fire,
it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
if you're a little scared. I sure as
heck ain't no coward. I know that.


SHREK
Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.
Now go over there and see if you can
find any stairs.

DONKEY
Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for
the princess.

SHREK
(putting on a helmet) The princess will
be up the stairs in the highest room
in the tallest tower.

DONKEY
What makes you think she'll be there?


SHREK
I read it in a book once. (walks off)


DONKEY
Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle
the stairs. I'll find those stairs.
I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs
won't know which way they're goin'.
(walks off)

EMPTY ROOM

Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.


DONKEY
I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm
the stair master. I've mastered the
stairs. I wish I had a step right here.
I'd step all over it.

ELSEWHERE

Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.

SHREK
Well, at least we know where the princess
is, but where's the...

DONKEY
(os) Dragon!

Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.
Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
breathes fire.

SHREK
Donkey, look out! (he manages to get
a hold of the dragons tail and holds
on) Got ya!

The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek
goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying
on the floor.

DONKEY
Oh! Aah! Aah!

Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
part of the bridge he's on.

DONKEY
No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,
what large teeth you have. (the dragon
growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.
I know you probably hear this all time
from your food, but you must bleach,
'cause that is one dazzling smile you
got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
freshness? And you know what else? You're
- - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.
You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
(the dragon begins fluttering her eyes
at him) What's the matter with you?
You got something in your eye? Ohh.
Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon
blows a smoke ring in the shape of a
heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm
an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd
work out if you're gonna blow smoke
rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
up with her teeth and carries him off)
No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA'S ROOM

Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona
so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.
Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for
a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders
and shakes her away.

FIONA
Oh! Oh!

SHREK
Wake up!

FIONA
What?

SHREK
Are you Princess Fiona?

FIONA
I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
rescue me.

SHREK
Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

FIONA
But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,
romantic moment?

SHREK
Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.


FIONA
Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
sweep me off my feet out yonder window
and down a rope onto your valiant steed.


SHREK
You've had a lot of time to plan this,
haven't you?

FIONA
(smiles) Mm-hmm.

Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down
the hallway.

FIONA
But we have to savor this moment! You
could recite an epic poem for me. A
ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!


SHREK
I don't think so.

FIONA
Can I at least know the name of my champion?


SHREK
Uh, Shrek.

FIONA
Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds
out a handkerchief) I pray that you
take this favor as a token of my gratitude.


SHREK
Thanks!

Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.

FIONA
(surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?


SHREK
It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
(takes off running and drags Fiona behind
him.)

FIONA
But this isn't right! You were meant
to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.
That's what all the other knights did.


SHREK
Yeah, right before they burst into flame.


FIONA
That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly
stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek
ignores her and heads for a wooden door
off to the side.) Wait. Where are you
going? The exit's over there.

SHREK
Well, I have to save my ass.

FIONA
What kind of knight are you?

SHREK

morra di
15.01.2015 13:25

Bra!
251
anbefalinger
du har noen skrivefeil..  Razz :-P

Kølla til mor di
06.05.2015 18:08

Bra!
43
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God tekst og du derre yolokolo har skrift ebola. Learn some proper british English, bloody peasant!


26.05.2015 09:36

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43
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Fin tekst vis du skal skrive om forbudt kjærlighet.

lix
21.01.2014 22:20

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Dette er jo et rent referat av handlingen. Ingen analyse. Hva vil det si å analysere et litterært verk? Jo, da skal man finne de litterære virkemidlene - tema, persongalleri, miljø,komposisjon, synsvinkel, lete etter detaljer i boken som kan avdekke det du har ment er tema!!! Gjengivelse av handlingen er ikke en analyse. Ville neppe stått til eksamen på dette.

moffa og tutta
06.01.2015 11:06

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IKKE TULL MED EBOLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MEN ALTSÅ, INGEN SKRIVEFEIL TROSSALT! EN GIGANTISK TOMMEL OPP OG I LOVE THE STORY

Superanonym
02.06.2014 10:12

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25
anbefalinger
Jeg tror du har tatt litt feil av hva en analyse er. En analyse er mer enn bare bokens handling, hvilket stort sett hva du har tatt med, men ikke noe mer enn det (med unntak av at du også har skrevet bokens utgivelsesdato, navn på forfatter og at boken handler om forbudt kjærlighet). Way to go, way to go.

TITLER
15.12.2015 22:17

Bra!
20
anbefalinger
Dette stykket kommer i fra morra di!

lkas c
26.05.2014 16:09

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19
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Altså du må finne ut om det er Victoria eller Viktoria  Wink ;-\))))) du skriver begge dele, og det er VICTORIA  Smile :-\)))))))))))

Louise
24.03.2014 12:19

Bra!
18
anbefalinger
Grei oppsummering av boka, men pråket ditt suger.


13.11.2014 10:02

Bra!
16
anbefalinger
spis meg og få ebola

Sug meg
20.05.2014 10:28

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15
anbefalinger
Kjempe bra språk! Veldig bra tekst, likte den ekstremt godt!

sola
19.05.2014 22:07

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14
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åherre, dette var dårlige greier ://

Ebola
02.11.2014 19:00

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13
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om eg hadd skreve ditta på stilen min hadde eg fått en 3- garantert.

10 c Seiersten
22.01.2015 17:01

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Ja hei, denne har jeg brukt masse til hjemp

Roundhousekick123
04.02.2015 17:26

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7
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Dette er ingen analyse!


14.12.2015 11:00

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Jeg digger måten du fremhver hver enkel person på, kjenner det pirrer inni meg når jeg leser dette.

NitraHD
22.01.2016 13:38

Bra!
7
anbefalinger
jeg liker dette kan du lage mer


25.11.2014 19:24

Bra!
6
anbefalinger
dette var veldig bra oppsumert. Forresten ikke morsomt å tulle med ebola.


09.04.2015 12:03

Bra!
6
anbefalinger
denne teksten ga meg minner om å humpe en apekatts munn mens jeg tar 420 saltoer.
gg no re
ez win
420 etika
obama can do the undone og
obama øker prisene for toalett papir
#fuckobamacare

MOR DI
06.05.2015 18:09

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6
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Victoria er fra nyromantikken. Just saying @Anonym

sjokomelkagurk
19.10.2015 12:11

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6
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boka suger, drikk sjokomelk

Frolands Kua
19.10.2015 17:59

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6
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God dag til alle på froland skole som ikke har lest gjennom hefte

CHRISTINA MOSTI
13.03.2015 12:39

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5
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omg I love it Very Happy :-D

Frøken Kristina Bjørnstrøm
13.03.2015 12:43

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5
anbefalinger
Synes det er svert mange unødvendige kommentarar her. Skjerp dykkar ungar! Det er slettes ikkje noke kult det herre dykk driv på med.


22.01.2016 13:26

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5
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Hei hva skjer?  Razz :-P


22.01.2016 13:39

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5
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YOLO XDXDXDXDXDXDDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDX- DXD

nisse
20.01.2015 10:47

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 Mad  <IMG alt=" src="http://www.daria.no/sms/editor/icon_mad.gif" border=0>

Sjefen over alle (instagram)
30.01.2015 11:02

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4
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dessverre så mange skrivefeil at teksten er vanskelig å lese.

bokrevy
01.02.2015 16:23

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4
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jeg syntes dette var en helt vanlig handligsreferat som burde skrives litt mer spennende. MaNgE skrivefeil
-mhv: bok for tid (bokrevy) nrk 2


02.02.2015 10:24

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4
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u mad bro. koffor skriv alle om ebola jævla tapera Sad :-\(

anonym
13.03.2015 12:31

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4
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ikke så bra

christimosti
13.03.2015 12:35

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4
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lovethis book it is amazeee, im sitting reading it right know. so everyone read this good book! because i freaking love it  Very Happy :-D

kristibjørnstrom
13.03.2015 12:40

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4
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E synes det er svert mykje skrivefeil, men uansett så elsker eg boka. Herregud noke så fantastisk! Ei bok spekket av kjærlighet. E ville vært victoria på slik at e fikk vær kjerest med johannes! Dette var et svert bra sammendrag av Victoira.

CHRISTINA MOSTI
13.03.2015 12:41

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4
anbefalinger
herregud denne boka er jo bare helt fantastisk! kanskje knud lage ei tell av same sortn? nokko i samme dura? (BEKLAGAR SKRIVEFEIL, dystleksi)

Anonym
04.05.2015 22:10

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4
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vet noen hvilken litterær periode Victoria er fra?


19.10.2015 12:37

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4
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boka var like god som tine mikshake, men en veldig nyttig anmeldelse, takk

k.k.k
04.01.2016 09:15

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4
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den er kjip


02.06.2015 15:29

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3
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du ha sykt mye sTaVeFeIl!! teksten er ellers "bra." du kunne gått over teksten din en del ganger, før du la den ut.


14.09.2015 20:28

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VELDIG BRA!!

en gutt som liker 1d
28.09.2015 20:26

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3
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Helt greit egentlig, lmao

Lærer til Hanne
03.04.2016 16:30

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3
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Hanne slutt å juks

Dagrun
01.08.2016 20:49

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Eg skulle sjå filmen på TV i går. For det første kom eg inn i handlinga ei stund etter at filmen var byrja. Så fekk eg ikkje med meg alt som blei sagt, fordi eg høyrer svært dårleg. Utruleg dumt at filmen ikkje var teksta. I alle fall sat eg att med nokre spørsmål etter at filmen var slutt. Eg prøvde å lesa omtalar på Wikipedia og andre stader på nettet, men fekk framleis ikkje svar på det eg lurte på. Men det som du skriv her innleiingsvis var akkurat den type resyme eg var ute etter. Veldig bra jobba! Det einaste eg no lurar på er kven som skaut Otto. Var det han sjølv som hadde eit uhell eller ein av dei andre? Var det kanskje faren til Victoria? Ting gjekk så fort på filmen at eg fekk ikkje med detaljane i dette. Viss du kan svara meg på dette, ville det vore glimrande.

anonym
19.10.2016 16:32

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2
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Til deg som lurte på hva som skjedde med Otto: han skjøt seg selv ved en ulykke. han hadde geværet rundt brystet, også bøyde han seg ned for å knyte skolissene og da fyrte geværet uheldigvis av et skudd

ffg
18.01.2017 18:51

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SHREK

Written by

William Steig & Ted Elliott




SHREK
Once upon a time there was a lovely
princess. But she had an enchantment
upon her of a fearful sort which could
only be broken by love's first kiss.
She was locked away in a castle guarded
by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
Many brave knights had attempted to
free her from this dreadful prison,
but non prevailed. She waited in the
dragon's keep in the highest room of
the tallest tower for her true love
and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
Like that's ever gonna happen. What
a load of - (toilet flush)

Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
after the ogre.

NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME

MAN1
Think it's in there?

MAN2
All right. Let's get it!

MAN1
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
thing can do to you?

MAN3
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
bread.

Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

SHREK
Yes, well, actually, that would be a
giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
They'll make a suit from your freshly
peeled skin.

MEN
No!

SHREK
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
quite good on toast.

MAN1
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
(waves the torch at Shrek.)

Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
men are in the dark.

SHREK
This is the part where you run away.
(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
And stay out! (looks down and picks
up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
throws the paper over his shoulder.)


THE NEXT DAY

There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
little pigs.

GUARD
All right. This one's full. Take it
away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!


HEAD GUARD
Next!

GUARD
(taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
Your flying days are over. (breaks the
broom in half)

HEAD GUARD
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
Next!

GUARD
Get up! Come on!

HEAD GUARD
Twenty pieces.

LITTLE BEAR
(crying) This cage is too small.

DONKEY
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
Give me another chance!

OLD WOMAN
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

DONKEY
Oh!

HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?

GIPETTO
This little wooden puppet.

PINOCCHIO
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
nose grows)

HEAD GUARD
Five shillings for the possessed toy.
Take it away.

PINOCCHIO
Father, please! Don't let them do this!
Help me!

Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
to the table.

HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?

OLD WOMAN
Well, I've got a talking donkey.

HEAD GUARD
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
if you can prove it.

OLD WOMAN
Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Donkey just looks up at her.

HEAD GUARD
Well?

OLD WOMAN
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
Talk, you boneheaded dolt...

HEAD GUARD
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!


OLD WOMAN
No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
you ever saw.

HEAD GUARD
Get her out of my sight.

OLD WOMAN
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
with fairy dust and he's able to fly.

DONKEY
Hey! I can fly!

PETER PAN
He can fly!

3 LITTLE PIGS
He can fly!

HEAD GUARD
He can talk!

DONKEY
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
a flying, talking donkey. You might
have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
to the ground.)

He hits the ground with a thud.

HEAD GUARD
Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
After him!

GUARDS
He's getting away! Get him! This way!
Turn!

Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
quickly hides behind Shrek.

HEAD GUARD
You there. Ogre!

SHREK
Aye?

HEAD GUARD
By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
to place you both under arrest and transport
you to a designated resettlement facility.


SHREK
Oh, really? You and what army?

He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
begins walking back to his cottage.

DONKEY
Can I say something to you? Listen,
you was really, really, really somethin'
back here. Incredible!

SHREK
Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
around and Donkey is right in front
of him.) Whoa!

DONKEY
Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
you that you that you was great back
here? Those guards! They thought they
was all of that. Then you showed up,
and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
like babes in the woods. That really
made me feel good to see that.

SHREK
Oh, that's great. Really.

DONKEY
Man, it's good to be free.

SHREK
Now, why don't you go celebrate your
freedom with your own friends? Hmm?


DONKEY
But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
stick with you. You're mean, green,
fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
the spit out of anybody that crosses
us.

Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
loudly.

DONKEY
Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
don't mind me sayin', if that don't
work, your breath certainly will get
the job done, 'cause you definitely
need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
you breath stinks! You almost burned
the hair outta my nose, just like the
time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
continues to talk, so Shrek removes
his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
berries. I had strong gases leaking
out of my butt that day.

SHREK
Why are you following me?

DONKEY
I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
me, My problems have all gone, There's
no one to deride me, But you gotta have
faith...

SHREK
Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
have any friends.

DONKEY
Wow. Only a true friend would be that
cruelly honest.

SHREK
Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
me. What am I?

DONKEY
(looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
tall?

SHREK
No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
bother you?

DONKEY
Nope.

SHREK
Really?

DONKEY
Rea- lly, really.

SHREK
Oh.

DONKEY
Man, I like you. What's you name?

SHREK
Uh, Shrek.

DONKEY
Shrek? Well, you know what I like about
you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
thing. I like that. I respect that,
Shrek. You all right. (They come over
a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)
Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live
in place like that?

SHREK
That would be my home.

DONKEY
Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.
You know you are quite a decorator.
It's amazing what you've done with such
a modest budget. I like that boulder.
That is a nice boulder. I guess you
don't entertain much, do you?

SHREK
I like my privacy.

DONKEY
You know, I do too. That's another thing
we have in common. Like I hate it when
you got somebody in your face. You've
trying to give them a hint, and they
won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
(awkward silence) Can I stay with you?


SHREK
Uh, what?

DONKEY
Can I stay with you, please?

SHREK
(sarcastically) Of course!

DONKEY
Really?

SHREK
No.

DONKEY-
Please! I don't wanna go back there!
You don't know what it's like to be
considered a freak. (pause while he
looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.
But that's why we gotta stick together.
You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!


SHREK
Okay! Okay! But one night only.

DONKEY
Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)


SHREK
What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto
a chair.) No! No!

DONKEY
This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
late, swappin' manly stories, and in
the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

SHREK
Oh!

DONKEY
Where do, uh, I sleep?

SHREK
(irritated) Outside!

DONKEY
Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,
I don't know you, and you don't know
me, so I guess outside is best, you
know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek
slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was
born outside. I'll just be sitting by
myself outside, I guess, you know. By
myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's
no one here beside me...

SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights
a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a
noise. He stands up with a huff.

SHREK
(to Donkey) I thought I told you to
stay outside.

DONKEY
(from the window) I am outside.

There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that
made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns
and spots 3 blind mice on his table.

BLIND MOUSE1
Well, gents, it's a far cry from the
farm, but what choice do we have?


BLIND MOUSE2
It's not home, but it'll do just fine.


GORDO
(bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.


SHREK
Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes
and lands on his shoulder.)

GORDO
I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's
ear)

SHREK
Ow!

GORDO
Blah! Awful stuff.

BLIND MOUSE1
Is that you, Gordo?

GORDO
How did you know?

SHREK
Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are
you doing in my house? (He gets bumped
from behind and he drops the mice.)
Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves
with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,
no, no. Dead broad off the table.


DWARF
Where are we supposed to put her? The
bed's taken.

SHREK
Huh?

Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at
him.

BIG BAD WOLF
What?

TIME LAPSE

Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging
him to the front door.

SHREK
I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm
a terrifying ogre! What do I have to
do get a little privacy? (He opens the
front door to throw the Wolf out and
he sees that all the collected Fairy
Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,
no. No! No!

The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his
pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing
flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.


SHREK
What are you doing in my swamp? (this
echoes and everyone falls silent.)


Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
tent.

SHREK
All right, get out of here. All of you,
move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!
Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
dwarves run inside the house) No, no!
No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
look at Donkey)

DONKEY
Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
them.

PINOCCHIO
Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

SHREK
What?

PINOCCHIO
We were forced to come here.

SHREK
(flabbergasted) By who?

LITTLE PIG
Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed
and he...signed an eviction notice.


SHREK
(heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
this Farquaad guy is?

Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

DONKEY
Oh, I do. I know where he is.

SHREK
Does anyone else know where to find
him? Anyone at all?

DONKEY
Me! Me!

SHREK
Anyone?

DONKEY
Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
Me, me!

SHREK
(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
tale things. Do not get comfortable.
Your welcome is officially worn out.
In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad
right now and get you all off my land
and back where you came from! (Pause.
Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
You! You're comin' with me.

DONKEY
All right, that's what I like to hear,
man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart
friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
adventure. I love it!

DONKEY
(singing) On the road again. Sing it
with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get
on the road again.

SHREK
What did I say about singing?

DONKEY
Can I whistle?

SHREK
No.

DONKEY
Can I hum it?

SHREK
All right, hum it.

Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

DULOC - KITCHEN

A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually
dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.

FARQUAAD
That's enough. He's ready to talk.


The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down
onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the
table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes
up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.


FARQUAAD
(he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs
and plays with them) Run, run, run,
as fast as you can. You can't catch
me. I'm the gingerbread man.

GINGERBREAD MAN
You are a monster.

FARQUAAD
I'm not the monster here. You are. You
and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
me! Where are the others?

GINGERBREAD MAN
Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's
eye.)

FARQUAAD
I've tried to be fair to you creatures.
Now my patience has reached its end!
Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to
pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)


GINGERBREAD MAN
No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
buttons.

FARQUAAD
All right then. Who's hiding them?


GINGERBREAD MAN
Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the
muffin man?

FARQUAAD
The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man.

FARQUAAD
Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
on Drury Lane?

GINGERBREAD MAN
Well, she's married to the muffin man.


FARQUAAD
The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man!

FARQUAAD
She's married to the muffin man.

The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

HEAD GUARD
My lord! We found it.

FARQUAAD
Then what are you waiting for? Bring
it in.

More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
Mirror.

GINGERBREAD MAN
(in awe) Ohhhh...

FARQUAAD
Magic mirror...

GINGERBREAD MAN
Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
him up and dumps him into a trash can
with a lid.) No!

FARQUAAD
Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Is this not the most perfect kingdom
of them all?

MIRROR
Well, technically you're not a king.


FARQUAAD
Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
hand mirror and smashes it with his
fist.) You were saying?

MIRROR
What I mean is you're not a king yet.
But you can become one. All you have
to do is marry a princess.

FARQUAAD
Go on.

MIRROR
(chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
and relax, my lord, because it's time
for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
And here they are! Bachelorette number
one is a mentally abused shut-in from
a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
include cooking and cleaning for her
two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
(shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
number two is a cape-wearing girl from
the land of fancy. Although she lives
with seven other men, she's not easy.
Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
find out what a live wire she is. Come
on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
picture of Snow White) And last, but
certainly not last, bachelorette number
three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
But don't let that cool you off. She's
a loaded pistol who likes pina colads
and getting caught in the rain. Yours
for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
number two or bachelorette number three?


GUARDS
Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!


FARQUAAD
Three? One? Three?

THELONIUS
Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
three, my lord!

FARQUAAD
Okay, okay, uh, number three!

MIRROR
Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess
Fiona.

FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I
have to do is just find someone who
can go...

MIRROR
But I probably should mention the little
thing that happens at night.

FARQUAAD
I'll do it.

MIRROR
Yes, but after sunset...

FARQUAAD
Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
my queen, and DuLoc will finally have
the perfect king! Captain, assemble
your finest men. We're going to have
a tournament. (smiles evilly)

DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.

DONKEY
But that's it. That's it right there.
That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.


SHREK
So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.


DONKEY
Uh-huh. That's the place.

SHREK
Do you think maybe he's compensating
for something? (He laughs, but then
groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.
He continues walking through the parking
lot.)

DONKEY
Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

MAN
Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.


SHREK
Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
screams and begins running through the
rows of rope to get to the front gate
to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.
Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just
- - I just - - (He sighs and then begins
walking straight through the rows. The
attendant runs into a wall and falls
down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
continue on into DuLoc.)

DULOC

They look around but all is quiet.

SHREK
It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?


DONKEY
Hey, look at this!

Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors
open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
to sing.

WOODEN PEOPLE
Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town


Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect place.

Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.

DONKEY
Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready
to run over and pull the lever again)


SHREK
(grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)
No. No. No, no, no! No.

They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

FARQUAAD
Brave knights. You are the best and
brightest in all the land. Today one
of you shall prove himself...

As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.

SHREK
All right. You're going the right way
for a smacked bottom.

DONKEY
Sorry about that.

FARQUAAD
That champion shall have the honor -
- no, no - - the privilege to go forth
and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
from the fiery keep of the dragon. If
for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
the first runner-up will take his place
and so on and so forth. Some of you
may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing
to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
that? It's hideous!

SHREK
(turns to look at Donkey and then back
at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.
It's just a donkey.

FARQUAAD
Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
kills the ogre will be named champion!
Have it him!

MEN
Get him!

SHREK
Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
into a table where there are mugs of
beer)

CROWD
Go ahead! Get him!

SHREK
(holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just
settle this over a pint?

CROWD
Kill the beast!

SHREK
No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
Come on!

He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides
past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.
Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice
to say that Shrek kicks butt.

DONKEY
Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek
gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.

SHREK
Yeah!

A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
and sees him.

WOMAN
The chair! Give him the chair!

Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.

SHREK
Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try
the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
Shrek.

HEAD GUARD
Shall I give the order, sir?

FARQUAAD
No, I have a better idea. People of
DuLoc, I give you our champion!

SHREK
What?

FARQUAAD
Congra- tulations, ogre. You're won the
honor of embarking on a great and noble
quest.

SHREK
Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest
to get my swamp back.

FARQUAAD
Your swamp?

SHREK
Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
fairy tale creatures!

FARQUAAD
Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you
a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
I'll give you your swamp back.

SHREK
Exactly the way it was?

FARQUAAD
Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.


SHREK
And the squatters?

FARQUAAD
As good as gone.

SHREK
What kind of quest?

Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.

DONKEY
Let me get this straight. You're gonna
go fight a dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back
a swamp which you only don't have because
he filled it full of freaks in the first
place. Is that about right?

SHREK
You know, maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.

DONKEY
I don't get it. Why don't you just pull
some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle
him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds
his bones to make your bread, the whole
ogre trip.

SHREK
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
decapitated an entire village and put
their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,
cut open their spleen and drink their
fluids. Does that sound good to you?


DONKEY
Uh, no, not really, no.

SHREK
For your information, there's a lot
more to ogres than people think.

DONKEY
Example?

SHREK
Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
(he holds out his onion)

DONKEY
(sniffs the onion) They stink?

SHREK
Yes - - No!

DONKEY
They make you cry?

SHREK
No!

DONKEY
You leave them in the sun, they get
all brown, start sproutin' little white
hairs.

SHREK
No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers! Onions have layers. You
get it? We both have layers. (he heaves
a sigh and then walks off)

DONKEY
(trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both
have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,
not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody
loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

SHREK
I don't care... what everyone likes.
Ogres are not like cakes.

DONKEY
You know what else everybody likes?
Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,
you say, "Let's get some parfait," they
say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?
Parfaits are delicious.

SHREK
No! You dense, irritating, miniature
beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!
And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.


DONKEY
Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
on the whole damn planet.

SHREK
You know, I think I preferred your humming.


DONKEY
Do you have a tissue or something? I'm
making a mess. Just the word parfait
make me start slobbering.

They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,
so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.

DRAGON'S KEEP

Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to
house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.


DONKEY
(sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
You gotta warn somebody before you just
crack one off. My mouth was open and
everything.

SHREK
Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd
be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We
must be getting close.

DONKEY
Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking
about it's the brimstone. I know what
I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It
didn't come off no stone neither.


They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There
is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where
the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very
foreboding.

SHREK
Sure, it's big enough, but look at the
location. (laughs...then the laugh turns
into a groan)

DONKEY
Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said
ogres have layers?

SHREK
Oh, aye.

DONKEY
Well, I have a bit of a confession to
make. Donkeys don't have layers. We
wear our fear right out there on our
sleeves.

SHREK
Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.


DONKEY
You know what I mean.

SHREK
You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.


DONKEY
No, I'm just a little uncomfortable
about being on a rickety bridge over
a boiling like of lava!

SHREK
Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside
ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll
just tackle this thing together one
little baby step at a time.

DONKEY
Really?

SHREK
Really, really.

DONKEY
Okay, that makes me feel so much better.


SHREK
Just keep moving. And don't look down.


DONKEY
Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.
Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't
look down. (he steps through a rotting
board and ends up looking straight down
into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me
off, please!

SHREK
But you're already halfway.

DONKEY
But I know that half is safe!

SHREK
Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.
You go back.

DONKEY
Shrek, no! Wait!

SHREK
Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance
then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
bridge)

DONKEY
Don't do that!

SHREK
Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
the bridge again)

DONKEY
Yes, that!

SHREK
Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across
the bridge)

DONKEY
No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

SHREK
You said do it! I'm doin' it.

DONKEY
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,
I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
Oh!

SHREK
That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks
towards the castle)

DONKEY
Cool. So where is this fire-breathing
pain-in-the-neck anyway?

SHREK
Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
(chuckles)

DONKEY
I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.


INSIDE THE CASTLE

DONKEY
You afraid?

SHREK
No.

DONKEY
But...

S- HREK
Shh.

DONKEY
Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong
with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
response to an unfamiliar situation.
Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
add. With a dragon that breathes fire
and eats knights and breathes fire,
it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
if you're a little scared. I sure as
heck ain't no coward. I know that.


SHREK
Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.
Now go over there and see if you can
find any stairs.

DONKEY
Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for
the princess.

SHREK
(putting on a helmet) The princess will
be up the stairs in the highest room
in the tallest tower.

DONKEY
What makes you think she'll be there?


SHREK
I read it in a book once. (walks off)


DONKEY
Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle
the stairs. I'll find those stairs.
I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs
won't know which way they're goin'.
(walks off)

EMPTY ROOM

Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.


DONKEY
I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm
the stair master. I've mastered the
stairs. I wish I had a step right here.
I'd step all over it.

ELSEWHERE

Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.

SHREK
Well, at least we know where the princess
is, but where's the...

DONKEY
(os) Dragon!

Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.
Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
breathes fire.

SHREK
Donkey, look out! (he manages to get
a hold of the dragons tail and holds
on) Got ya!

The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek
goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying
on the floor.

DONKEY
Oh! Aah! Aah!

Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
part of the bridge he's on.

DONKEY
No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,
what large teeth you have. (the dragon
growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.
I know you probably hear this all time
from your food, but you must bleach,
'cause that is one dazzling smile you
got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
freshness? And you know what else? You're
- - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.
You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
(the dragon begins fluttering her eyes
at him) What's the matter with you?
You got something in your eye? Ohh.
Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon
blows a smoke ring in the shape of a
heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm
an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd
work out if you're gonna blow smoke
rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
up with her teeth and carries him off)
No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA'S ROOM

Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona
so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.
Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for
a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders
and shakes her away.

FIONA
Oh! Oh!

SHREK
Wake up!

FIONA
What?

SHREK
Are you Princess Fiona?

FIONA
I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
rescue me.

SHREK
Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

FIONA
But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,
romantic moment?

SHREK
Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.


FIONA
Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
sweep me off my feet out yonder window
and down a rope onto your valiant steed.


SHREK
You've had a lot of time to plan this,
haven't you?

FIONA
(smiles) Mm-hmm.

Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down
the hallway.

FIONA
But we have to savor this moment! You
could recite an epic poem for me. A
ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!


SHREK
I don't think so.

FIONA
Can I at least know the name of my champion?


SHREK
Uh, Shrek.

FIONA
Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds
out a handkerchief) I pray that you
take this favor as a token of my gratitude.


SHREK
Thanks!

Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.

FIONA
(surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?


SHREK
It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
(takes off running and drags Fiona behind
him.)

FIONA
But this isn't right! You were meant
to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.
That's what all the other knights did.


SHREK
Yeah, right before they burst into flame.


FIONA
That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly
stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek
ignores her and heads for a wooden door
off to the side.) Wait. Where are you
going? The exit's over there.

SHREK
Well, I have to save my ass.

FIONA
What kind of knight are you?

SHREK
SHREK

Written by

William Steig & Ted Elliott




SHREK
Once upon a time there was a lovely
princess. But she had an enchantment
upon her of a fearful sort which could
only be broken by love's first kiss.
She was locked away in a castle guarded
by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
Many brave knights had attempted to
free her from this dreadful prison,
but non prevailed. She waited in the
dragon's keep in the highest room of
the tallest tower for her true love
and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
Like that's ever gonna happen. What
a load of - (toilet flush)

Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
after the ogre.

NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME

MAN1
Think it's in there?

MAN2
All right. Let's get it!

MAN1
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
thing can do to you?

MAN3
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
bread.

Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

SHREK
Yes, well, actually, that would be a
giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
They'll make a suit from your freshly
peeled skin.

MEN
No!

SHREK
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
quite good on toast.

MAN1
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
(waves the torch at Shrek.)

Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
men are in the dark.

SHREK
This is the part where you run away.
(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
And stay out! (looks down and picks
up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
throws the paper over his shoulder.)


THE NEXT DAY

There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
little pigs.

GUARD
All right. This one's full. Take it
away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!


HEAD GUARD
Next!

GUARD
(taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
Your flying days are over. (breaks the
broom in half)

HEAD GUARD
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
Next!

GUARD
Get up! Come on!

HEAD GUARD
Twenty pieces.

LITTLE BEAR
(crying) This cage is too small.

DONKEY
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
Give me another chance!

OLD WOMAN
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

DONKEY
Oh!

HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?

GIPETTO
This little wooden puppet.

PINOCCHIO
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
nose grows)

HEAD GUARD
Five shillings for the possessed toy.
Take it away.

PINOCCHIO
Father, please! Don't let them do this!
Help me!

Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
to the table.

HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?

OLD WOMAN
Well, I've got a talking donkey.

HEAD GUARD
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
if you can prove it.

OLD WOMAN
Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Donkey just looks up at her.

HEAD GUARD
Well?

OLD WOMAN
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
Talk, you boneheaded dolt...

HEAD GUARD
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!


OLD WOMAN
No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
you ever saw.

HEAD GUARD
Get her out of my sight.

OLD WOMAN
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
with fairy dust and he's able to fly.

DONKEY
Hey! I can fly!

PETER PAN
He can fly!

3 LITTLE PIGS
He can fly!

HEAD GUARD
He can talk!

DONKEY
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
a flying, talking donkey. You might
have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
to the ground.)

He hits the ground with a thud.

HEAD GUARD
Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
After him!

GUARDS
He's getting away! Get him! This way!
Turn!

Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
quickly hides behind Shrek.

HEAD GUARD
You there. Ogre!

SHREK
Aye?

HEAD GUARD
By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
to place you both under arrest and transport
you to a designated resettlement facility.


SHREK
Oh, really? You and what army?

He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
begins walking back to his cottage.

DONKEY
Can I say something to you? Listen,
you was really, really, really somethin'
back here. Incredible!

SHREK
Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
around and Donkey is right in front
of him.) Whoa!

DONKEY
Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
you that you that you was great back
here? Those guards! They thought they
was all of that. Then you showed up,
and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
like babes in the woods. That really
made me feel good to see that.

SHREK
Oh, that's great. Really.

DONKEY
Man, it's good to be free.

SHREK
Now, why don't you go celebrate your
freedom with your own friends? Hmm?


DONKEY
But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
stick with you. You're mean, green,
fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
the spit out of anybody that crosses
us.

Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
loudly.

DONKEY
Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
don't mind me sayin', if that don't
work, your breath certainly will get
the job done, 'cause you definitely
need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
you breath stinks! You almost burned
the hair outta my nose, just like the
time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
continues to talk, so Shrek removes
his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
berries. I had strong gases leaking
out of my butt that day.

SHREK
Why are you following me?

DONKEY
I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
me, My problems have all gone, There's
no one to deride me, But you gotta have
faith...

SHREK
Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
have any friends.

DONKEY
Wow. Only a true friend would be that
cruelly honest.

SHREK
Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
me. What am I?

DONKEY
(looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
tall?

SHREK
No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
bother you?

DONKEY
Nope.

SHRE- K
Really?

DONKEY
Really, really.

SHREK
Oh.

DONKEY
Man, I like you. What's you name?

SHREK
Uh, Shrek.

DONKEY
Shrek? Well, you know what I like about
you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
thing. I like that. I respect that,
Shrek. You all right. (They come over
a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)
Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live
in place like that?

SHREK
That would be my home.

DONKEY
Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.
You know you are quite a decorator.
It's amazing what you've done with such
a modest budget. I like that boulder.
That is a nice boulder. I guess you
don't entertain much, do you?

SHREK
I like my privacy.

DONKEY
You know, I do too. That's another thing
we have in common. Like I hate it when
you got somebody in your face. You've
trying to give them a hint, and they
won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
(awkward silence) Can I stay with you?


SHREK
Uh, what?

DONKEY
Can I stay with you, please?

SHREK
(sarcastically) Of course!

DONKEY
Really- ?

SHREK
No.

DONKEY
Please! I don't wanna go back there!
You don't know what it's like to be
considered a freak. (pause while he
looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.
But that's why we gotta stick together.
You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!


SHREK
Okay! Okay! But one night only.

DONKEY
Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)


SHREK
What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto
a chair.) No! No!

DONKEY
This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
late, swappin' manly stories, and in
the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

SHREK
Oh!

DONKEY
Where do, uh, I sleep?

SHREK
(irritated) Outside!

DONKEY
Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,
I don't know you, and you don't know
me, so I guess outside is best, you
know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek
slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was
born outside. I'll just be sitting by
myself outside, I guess, you know. By
myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's
no one here beside me...

SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights
a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a
noise. He stands up with a huff.

SHREK
(to Donkey) I thought I told you to
stay outside.

DONKEY
(from the window) I am outside.

There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that
made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns
and spots 3 blind mice on his table.

BLIND MOUSE1
Well, gents, it's a far cry from the
farm, but what choice do we have?


BLIND MOUSE2
It's not home, but it'll do just fine.


GORDO
(bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.


SHREK
Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes
and lands on his shoulder.)

GORDO
I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's
ear)

SHREK
Ow!

GORDO
Blah! Awful stuff.

BLIND MOUSE1
Is that you, Gordo?

GORDO
How did you know?

SHREK
Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are
you doing in my house? (He gets bumped
from behind and he drops the mice.)
Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves
with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,
no, no. Dead broad off the table.


DWARF
Where are we supposed to put her? The
bed's taken.

SHREK
Huh?

Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at
him.

BIG BAD WOLF
What?

TIME LAPSE

Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging
him to the front door.

SHREK
I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm
a terrifying ogre! What do I have to
do get a little privacy? (He opens the
front door to throw the Wolf out and
he sees that all the collected Fairy
Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,
no. No! No!

The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his
pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing
flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.


SHREK
What are you doing in my swamp? (this
echoes and everyone falls silent.)


Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
tent.

SHREK
All right, get out of here. All of you,
move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!
Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
dwarves run inside the house) No, no!
No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
look at Donkey)

DONKEY
Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
them.

PINOCCHIO
Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

SHREK
What?

PINOCCHIO
We were forced to come here.

SHREK
(flabbergasted) By who?

LITTLE PIG
Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed
and he...signed an eviction notice.


SHREK
(heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
this Farquaad guy is?

Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

DONKEY
Oh, I do. I know where he is.

SHREK
Does anyone else know where to find
him? Anyone at all?

DONKEY
Me! Me!

SHREK
Anyone?

DONKEY
Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
Me, me!

SHREK
(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
tale things. Do not get comfortable.
Your welcome is officially worn out.
In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad
right now and get you all off my land
and back where you came from! (Pause.
Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
You! You're comin' with me.

DONKEY
All right, that's what I like to hear,
man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart
friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
adventure. I love it!

DONKEY
(singing) On the road again. Sing it
with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get
on the road again.

SHREK
What did I say about singing?

DONKEY
Can I whistle?

SHREK
No.

DONKEY
Can I hum it?

SHREK
All right, hum it.

Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

DULOC - KITCHEN

A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually
dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.

FARQUAAD
That's enough. He's ready to talk.


The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down
onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the
table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes
up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.


FARQUAAD
(he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs
and plays with them) Run, run, run,
as fast as you can. You can't catch
me. I'm the gingerbread man.

GINGERBREAD MAN
You are a monster.

FARQUAAD
I'm not the monster here. You are. You
and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
me! Where are the others?

GINGERBREAD MAN
Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's
eye.)

FARQUAAD
I've tried to be fair to you creatures.
Now my patience has reached its end!
Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to
pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)


GINGERBREAD MAN
No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
buttons.

FARQUAAD
All right then. Who's hiding them?


GINGERBREAD MAN
Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the
muffin man?

FARQUAAD
The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man.

FARQUAAD
Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
on Drury Lane?

GINGERBREAD MAN
Well, she's married to the muffin man.


FARQUAAD
The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man!

FARQUAAD
She's married to the muffin man.

The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

HEAD GUARD
My lord! We found it.

FARQUAAD
Then what are you waiting for? Bring
it in.

More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
Mirror.

GINGERBREAD MAN
(in awe) Ohhhh...

FARQUAAD
Magic mirror...

GINGERBREAD MAN
Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
him up and dumps him into a trash can
with a lid.) No!

FARQUAAD
Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Is this not the most perfect kingdom
of them all?

MIRROR
Well, technically you're not a king.


FARQUAAD
Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
hand mirror and smashes it with his
fist.) You were saying?

MIRROR
What I mean is you're not a king yet.
But you can become one. All you have
to do is marry a princess.

FARQUAAD
Go on.

MIRROR
(chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
and relax, my lord, because it's time
for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
And here they are! Bachelorette number
one is a mentally abused shut-in from
a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
include cooking and cleaning for her
two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
(shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
number two is a cape-wearing girl from
the land of fancy. Although she lives
with seven other men, she's not easy.
Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
find out what a live wire she is. Come
on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
picture of Snow White) And last, but
certainly not last, bachelorette number
three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
But don't let that cool you off. She's
a loaded pistol who likes pina colads
and getting caught in the rain. Yours
for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
number two or bachelorette number three?


GUARDS
Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!


FARQUAAD
Three? One? Three?

THELONIUS
Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
three, my lord!

FARQUAAD
Okay, okay, uh, number three!

MIRROR
Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess
Fiona.

FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I
have to do is just find someone who
can go...

MIRROR
But I probably should mention the little
thing that happens at night.

FARQUAAD
I'll do it.

MIRROR
Yes, but after sunset...

FARQUAAD
Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
my queen, and DuLoc will finally have
the perfect king! Captain, assemble
your finest men. We're going to have
a tournament. (smiles evilly)

DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.

DONKEY
But that's it. That's it right there.
That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.


SHREK
So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.


DONKEY
Uh-huh. That's the place.

SHREK
Do you think maybe he's compensating
for something? (He laughs, but then
groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.
He continues walking through the parking
lot.)

DONKEY
Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

MAN
Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.


SHREK
Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
screams and begins running through the
rows of rope to get to the front gate
to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.
Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just
- - I just - - (He sighs and then begins
walking straight through the rows. The
attendant runs into a wall and falls
down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
continue on into DuLoc.)

DULOC

They look around but all is quiet.

SHREK
It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?


DONKEY
Hey, look at this!

Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors
open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
to sing.

WOODEN PEOPLE
Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town


Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect place.

Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.

DONKEY
Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready
to run over and pull the lever again)


SHREK
(grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)
No. No. No, no, no! No.

They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

FARQUAAD
Brave knights. You are the best and
brightest in all the land. Today one
of you shall prove himself...

As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.

SHREK
All right. You're going the right way
for a smacked bottom.

DONKEY
Sorry about that.

FARQUAAD
That champion shall have the honor -
- no, no - - the privilege to go forth
and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
from the fiery keep of the dragon. If
for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
the first runner-up will take his place
and so on and so forth. Some of you
may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing
to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
that? It's hideous!

SHREK
(turns to look at Donkey and then back
at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.
It's just a donkey.

FARQUAAD
Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
kills the ogre will be named champion!
Have it him!

MEN
Get him!

SHREK
Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
into a table where there are mugs of
beer)

CROWD
Go ahead! Get him!

SHREK
(holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just
settle this over a pint?

CROWD
Kill the beast!

SHREK
No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
Come on!

He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides
past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.
Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice
to say that Shrek kicks butt.

DONKEY
Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek
gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.

SHREK
Yeah!

A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
and sees him.

WOMAN
The chair! Give him the chair!

Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.

SHREK
Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try
the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
Shrek.

HEAD GUARD
Shall I give the order, sir?

FARQUAAD
No, I have a better idea. People of
DuLoc, I give you our champion!

SHREK
- What?

FARQUAAD
Congratulations, ogre. You're won the
honor of embarking on a great and noble
quest.

SHREK
Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest
to get my swamp back.

FARQUAAD
Your swamp?

SHREK
Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
fairy tale creatures!

FARQUAAD
Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you
a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
I'll give you your swamp back.

SHREK
Exactly the way it was?

FARQUAAD
Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.


SHREK
And the squatters?

FARQUAAD
As good as gone.

SHREK
What kind of quest?

Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.

DONKEY
Let me get this straight. You're gonna
go fight a dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back
a swamp which you only don't have because
he filled it full of freaks in the first
place. Is that about right?

SHREK
You know, maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.

DONKEY
I don't get it. Why don't you just pull
some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle
him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds
his bones to make your bread, the whole
ogre trip.

SHREK
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
decapitated an entire village and put
their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,
cut open their spleen and drink their
fluids. Does that sound good to you?


DONKEY
Uh, no, not really, no.

SHREK
For your information, there's a lot
more to ogres than people think.

DONKEY
Example?

SHREK
Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
(he holds out his onion)

DONKEY
(sniffs the onion) They stink?

SHREK
Yes - - No!

DONKEY
They make you cry?

SHREK
No!

DONKEY
You leave them in the sun, they get
all brown, start sproutin' little white
hairs.

SHREK
No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers! Onions have layers. You
get it? We both have layers. (he heaves
a sigh and then walks off)

DONKEY
(trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both
have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,
not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody
loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

SHREK
I don't care... what everyone likes.
Ogres are not like cakes.

DONKEY
You know what else everybody likes?
Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,
you say, "Let's get some parfait," they
say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?
Parfaits are delicious.

SHREK
No! You dense, irritating, miniature
beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!
And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.


DONKEY
Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
on the whole damn planet.

SHREK
You know, I think I preferred your humming.


DONKEY
Do you have a tissue or something? I'm
making a mess. Just the word parfait
make me start slobbering.

They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,
so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.

DRAGON'S KEEP

Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to
house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.


DONKEY
(sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
You gotta warn somebody before you just
crack one off. My mouth was open and
everything.

SHREK
Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd
be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We
must be getting close.

DONKEY
Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking
about it's the brimstone. I know what
I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It
didn't come off no stone neither.


They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There
is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where
the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very
foreboding.

SHREK
Sure, it's big enough, but look at the
location. (laughs...then the laugh turns
into a groan)

DONKEY
Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said
ogres have layers?

SHREK
Oh, aye.

DONKEY
Well, I have a bit of a confession to
make. Donkeys don't have layers. We
wear our fear right out there on our
sleeves.

SHREK
Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.


DONKEY
You know what I mean.

SHREK
You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.


DONKEY
No, I'm just a little uncomfortable
about being on a rickety bridge over
a boiling like of lava!

SHREK
Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside
ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll
just tackle this thing together one
little baby step at a time.

DONKEY
Really?

SHREK
Really, really.

DONKEY
Okay, that makes me feel so much better.


SHREK
Just keep moving. And don't look down.


DONKEY
Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.
Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't
look down. (he steps through a rotting
board and ends up looking straight down
into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me
off, please!

SHREK
But you're already halfway.

DONKEY
But I know that half is safe!

SHREK
Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.
You go back.

DONKEY
Shrek, no! Wait!

SHREK
Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance
then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
bridge)

DONKEY
Don't do that!

SHREK
Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
the bridge again)

DONKEY
Yes, that!

SHREK
Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across
the bridge)

DONKEY
No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

SHREK
You said do it! I'm doin' it.

DONKEY
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,
I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
Oh!

SHREK
That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks
towards the castle)

DONKEY
Cool. So where is this fire-breathing
pain-in-the-neck anyway?

SHREK
Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
(chuckles)

DONKEY
I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.


INSIDE THE CASTLE

DONKEY
You afraid?

SHREK
N- o.

DONKEY
But...

SHREK
Shh.

DONKEY
Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong
with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
response to an unfamiliar situation.
Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
add. With a dragon that breathes fire
and eats knights and breathes fire,
it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
if you're a little scared. I sure as
heck ain't no coward. I know that.


SHREK
Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.
Now go over there and see if you can
find any stairs.

DONKEY
Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for
the princess.

SHREK
(putting on a helmet) The princess will
be up the stairs in the highest room
in the tallest tower.

DONKEY
What makes you think she'll be there?


SHREK
I read it in a book once. (walks off)


DONKEY
Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle
the stairs. I'll find those stairs.
I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs
won't know which way they're goin'.
(walks off)

EMPTY ROOM

Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.


DONKEY
I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm
the stair master. I've mastered the
stairs. I wish I had a step right here.
I'd step all over it.

ELSEWHERE

Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.

SHREK
Well, at least we know where the princess
is, but where's the...

DONKEY
(os) Dragon!

Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.
Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
breathes fire.

SHREK
Donkey, look out! (he manages to get
a hold of the dragons tail and holds
on) Got ya!

The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek
goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying
on the floor.

DONKEY
Oh! Aah! Aah!

Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
part of the bridge he's on.

DONKEY
No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,
what large teeth you have. (the dragon
growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.
I know you probably hear this all time
from your food, but you must bleach,
'cause that is one dazzling smile you
got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
freshness? And you know what else? You're
- - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.
You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
(the dragon begins fluttering her eyes
at him) What's the matter with you?
You got something in your eye? Ohh.
Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon
blows a smoke ring in the shape of a
heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm
an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd
work out if you're gonna blow smoke
rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
up with her teeth and carries him off)
No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA'S ROOM

Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona
so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.
Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for
a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders
and shakes her away.

FIONA
Oh! Oh!

SHREK
Wake up!

FIONA
What?

SHREK
Are you Princess Fiona?

FIONA
I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
rescue me.

SHREK
Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

FIONA
But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,
romantic moment?

SHREK
Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.


FIONA
Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
sweep me off my feet out yonder window
and down a rope onto your valiant steed.


SHREK
You've had a lot of time to plan this,
haven't you

kaasan
02.02.2016 13:59

Bra!
1
anbefalinger
jævli svært at du har laga slik anal yse så je slæpp å skrive sjøl

EBOLA
11.03.2016 20:49

Bra!
1
anbefalinger
DENNE TEKSTEN HJALP MEG IKKE EN SKJIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hanne fra rognan
03.04.2016 16:33

Bra!
1
anbefalinger
Dette var sannelig en flott artikkel. Ingrid læreren min finner aldri ut at jeg har tatt alt stoffet mitt herfra.  Smile :-\)

kuk
04.10.2016 19:30

Bra!
1
anbefalinger
Sadan i helvede fitte kug i rompå å ja d liga me

faf
18.01.2017 18:52

Bra!
1
anbefalinger
SHREK

Written by

William Steig & Ted Elliott




SHREK
Once upon a time there was a lovely
princess. But she had an enchantment
upon her of a fearful sort which could
only be broken by love's first kiss.
She was locked away in a castle guarded
by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
Many brave knights had attempted to
free her from this dreadful prison,
but non prevailed. She waited in the
dragon's keep in the highest room of
the tallest tower for her true love
and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
Like that's ever gonna happen. What
a load of - (toilet flush)

Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
after the ogre.

NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME

MAN1
Think it's in there?

MAN2
All right. Let's get it!

MAN1
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
thing can do to you?

MAN3
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
bread.

Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

SHREK
Yes, well, actually, that would be a
giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
They'll make a suit from your freshly
peeled skin.

MEN
No!

SHREK
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
quite good on toast.

MAN1
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
(waves the torch at Shrek.)

Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
men are in the dark.

SHREK
This is the part where you run away.
(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
And stay out! (looks down and picks
up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
throws the paper over his shoulder.)


THE NEXT DAY

There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
little pigs.

GUARD
All right. This one's full. Take it
away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!


HEAD GUARD
Next!

GUARD
(taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
Your flying days are over. (breaks the
broom in half)

HEAD GUARD
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
Next!

GUARD
Get up! Come on!

HEAD GUARD
Twenty pieces.

LITTLE BEAR
(crying) This cage is too small.

DONKEY
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
Give me another chance!

OLD WOMAN
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

DONKEY
Oh!

HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?

GIPETTO
This little wooden puppet.

PINOCCHIO
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
nose grows)

HEAD GUARD
Five shillings for the possessed toy.
Take it away.

PINOCCHIO
Father, please! Don't let them do this!
Help me!

Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
to the table.

HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?

OLD WOMAN
Well, I've got a talking donkey.

HEAD GUARD
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
if you can prove it.

OLD WOMAN
Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Donkey just looks up at her.

HEAD GUARD
Well?

OLD WOMAN
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
Talk, you boneheaded dolt...

HEAD GUARD
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!


OLD WOMAN
No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
you ever saw.

HEAD GUARD
Get her out of my sight.

OLD WOMAN
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
with fairy dust and he's able to fly.

DONKEY
Hey! I can fly!

PETER PAN
He can fly!

3 LITTLE PIGS
He can fly!

HEAD GUARD
He can talk!

DONKEY
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
a flying, talking donkey. You might
have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
to the ground.)

He hits the ground with a thud.

HEAD GUARD
Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
After him!

GUARDS
He's getting away! Get him! This way!
Turn!

Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
quickly hides behind Shrek.

HEAD GUARD
You there. Ogre!

SHREK
Aye?

HEAD GUARD
By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
to place you both under arrest and transport
you to a designated resettlement facility.


SHREK
Oh, really? You and what army?

He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
begins walking back to his cottage.

DONKEY
Can I say something to you? Listen,
you was really, really, really somethin'
back here. Incredible!

SHREK
Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
around and Donkey is right in front
of him.) Whoa!

DONKEY
Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
you that you that you was great back
here? Those guards! They thought they
was all of that. Then you showed up,
and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
like babes in the woods. That really
made me feel good to see that.

SHREK
Oh, that's great. Really.

DONKEY
Man, it's good to be free.

SHREK
Now, why don't you go celebrate your
freedom with your own friends? Hmm?


DONKEY
But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
stick with you. You're mean, green,
fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
the spit out of anybody that crosses
us.

Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
loudly.

DONKEY
Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
don't mind me sayin', if that don't
work, your breath certainly will get
the job done, 'cause you definitely
need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
you breath stinks! You almost burned
the hair outta my nose, just like the
time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
continues to talk, so Shrek removes
his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
berries. I had strong gases leaking
out of my butt that day.

SHREK
Why are you following me?

DONKEY
I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
me, My problems have all gone, There's
no one to deride me, But you gotta have
faith...

SHREK
Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
have any friends.

DONKEY
Wow. Only a true friend would be that
cruelly honest.

SHREK
Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
me. What am I?

DONKEY
(looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
tall?

SHREK
No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
bother you?

DONKEY
Nope.

SHREK
Really?

DONKEY
Rea- - lly, really.

SHREK
Oh.

DONKEY
Man, I like you. What's you name?

SHREK
Uh, Shrek.

DONKEY
Shrek? Well, you know what I like about
you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
thing. I like that. I respect that,
Shrek. You all right. (They come over
a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)
Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live
in place like that?

SHREK
That would be my home.

DONKEY
Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.
You know you are quite a decorator.
It's amazing what you've done with such
a modest budget. I like that boulder.
That is a nice boulder. I guess you
don't entertain much, do you?

SHREK
I like my privacy.

DONKEY
You know, I do too. That's another thing
we have in common. Like I hate it when
you got somebody in your face. You've
trying to give them a hint, and they
won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
(awkward silence) Can I stay with you?


SHREK
Uh, what?

DONKEY
Can I stay with you, please?

SHREK
(sarcastically) Of course!

DONKEY
Really?

SHREK
No.

DONKEY-
Please! I don't wanna go back there!
You don't know what it's like to be
considered a freak. (pause while he
looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.
But that's why we gotta stick together.
You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!


SHREK
Okay! Okay! But one night only.

DONKEY
Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)


SHREK
What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto
a chair.) No! No!

DONKEY
This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
late, swappin' manly stories, and in
the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

SHREK
Oh!

DONKEY
Where do, uh, I sleep?

SHREK
(irritated) Outside!

DONKEY
Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,
I don't know you, and you don't know
me, so I guess outside is best, you
know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek
slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was
born outside. I'll just be sitting by
myself outside, I guess, you know. By
myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's
no one here beside me...

SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights
a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a
noise. He stands up with a huff.

SHREK
(to Donkey) I thought I told you to
stay outside.

DONKEY
(from the window) I am outside.

There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that
made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns
and spots 3 blind mice on his table.

BLIND MOUSE1
Well, gents, it's a far cry from the
farm, but what choice do we have?


BLIND MOUSE2
It's not home, but it'll do just fine.


GORDO
(bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.


SHREK
Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes
and lands on his shoulder.)

GORDO
I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's
ear)

SHREK
Ow!

GORDO
Blah! Awful stuff.

BLIND MOUSE1
Is that you, Gordo?

GORDO
How did you know?

SHREK
Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are
you doing in my house? (He gets bumped
from behind and he drops the mice.)
Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves
with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,
no, no. Dead broad off the table.


DWARF
Where are we supposed to put her? The
bed's taken.

SHREK
Huh?

Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at
him.

BIG BAD WOLF
What?

TIME LAPSE

Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging
him to the front door.

SHREK
I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm
a terrifying ogre! What do I have to
do get a little privacy? (He opens the
front door to throw the Wolf out and
he sees that all the collected Fairy
Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,
no. No! No!

The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his
pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing
flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.


SHREK
What are you doing in my swamp? (this
echoes and everyone falls silent.)


Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
tent.

SHREK
All right, get out of here. All of you,
move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!
Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
dwarves run inside the house) No, no!
No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
look at Donkey)

DONKEY
Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
them.

PINOCCHIO
Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

SHREK
What?

PINOCCHIO
We were forced to come here.

SHREK
(flabbergasted) By who?

LITTLE PIG
Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed
and he...signed an eviction notice.


SHREK
(heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
this Farquaad guy is?

Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

DONKEY
Oh, I do. I know where he is.

SHREK
Does anyone else know where to find
him? Anyone at all?

DONKEY
Me! Me!

SHREK
Anyone?

DONKEY
Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
Me, me!

SHREK
(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
tale things. Do not get comfortable.
Your welcome is officially worn out.
In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad
right now and get you all off my land
and back where you came from! (Pause.
Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
You! You're comin' with me.

DONKEY
All right, that's what I like to hear,
man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart
friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
adventure. I love it!

DONKEY
(singing) On the road again. Sing it
with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get
on the road again.

SHREK
What did I say about singing?

DONKEY
Can I whistle?

SHREK
No.

DONKEY
Can I hum it?

SHREK
All right, hum it.

Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

DULOC - KITCHEN

A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually
dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.

FARQUAAD
That's enough. He's ready to talk.


The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down
onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the
table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes
up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.


FARQUAAD
(he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs
and plays with them) Run, run, run,
as fast as you can. You can't catch
me. I'm the gingerbread man.

GINGERBREAD MAN
You are a monster.

FARQUAAD
I'm not the monster here. You are. You
and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
me! Where are the others?

GINGERBREAD MAN
Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's
eye.)

FARQUAAD
I've tried to be fair to you creatures.
Now my patience has reached its end!
Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to
pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)


GINGERBREAD MAN
No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
buttons.

FARQUAAD
All right then. Who's hiding them?


GINGERBREAD MAN
Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the
muffin man?

FARQUAAD
The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man.

FARQUAAD
Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
on Drury Lane?

GINGERBREAD MAN
Well, she's married to the muffin man.


FARQUAAD
The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man!

FARQUAAD
She's married to the muffin man.

The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

HEAD GUARD
My lord! We found it.

FARQUAAD
Then what are you waiting for? Bring
it in.

More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
Mirror.

GINGERBREAD MAN
(in awe) Ohhhh...

FARQUAAD
Magic mirror...

GINGERBREAD MAN
Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
him up and dumps him into a trash can
with a lid.) No!

FARQUAAD
Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Is this not the most perfect kingdom
of them all?

MIRROR
Well, technically you're not a king.


FARQUAAD
Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
hand mirror and smashes it with his
fist.) You were saying?

MIRROR
What I mean is you're not a king yet.
But you can become one. All you have
to do is marry a princess.

FARQUAAD
Go on.

MIRROR
(chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
and relax, my lord, because it's time
for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
And here they are! Bachelorette number
one is a mentally abused shut-in from
a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
include cooking and cleaning for her
two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
(shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
number two is a cape-wearing girl from
the land of fancy. Although she lives
with seven other men, she's not easy.
Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
find out what a live wire she is. Come
on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
picture of Snow White) And last, but
certainly not last, bachelorette number
three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
But don't let that cool you off. She's
a loaded pistol who likes pina colads
and getting caught in the rain. Yours
for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
number two or bachelorette number three?


GUARDS
Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!


FARQUAAD
Three? One? Three?

THELONIUS
Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
three, my lord!

FARQUAAD
Okay, okay, uh, number three!

MIRROR
Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess
Fiona.

FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I
have to do is just find someone who
can go...

MIRROR
But I probably should mention the little
thing that happens at night.

FARQUAAD
I'll do it.

MIRROR
Yes, but after sunset...

FARQUAAD
Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
my queen, and DuLoc will finally have
the perfect king! Captain, assemble
your finest men. We're going to have
a tournament. (smiles evilly)

DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.

DONKEY
But that's it. That's it right there.
That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.


SHREK
So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.


DONKEY
Uh-huh. That's the place.

SHREK
Do you think maybe he's compensating
for something? (He laughs, but then
groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.
He continues walking through the parking
lot.)

DONKEY
Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

MAN
Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.


SHREK
Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
screams and begins running through the
rows of rope to get to the front gate
to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.
Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just
- - I just - - (He sighs and then begins
walking straight through the rows. The
attendant runs into a wall and falls
down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
continue on into DuLoc.)

DULOC

They look around but all is quiet.

SHREK
It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?


DONKEY
Hey, look at this!

Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors
open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
to sing.

WOODEN PEOPLE
Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town


Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect place.

Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.

DONKEY
Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready
to run over and pull the lever again)


SHREK
(grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)
No. No. No, no, no! No.

They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

FARQUAAD
Brave knights. You are the best and
brightest in all the land. Today one
of you shall prove himself...

As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.

SHREK
All right. You're going the right way
for a smacked bottom.

DONKEY
Sorry about that.

FARQUAAD
That champion shall have the honor -
- no, no - - the privilege to go forth
and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
from the fiery keep of the dragon. If
for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
the first runner-up will take his place
and so on and so forth. Some of you
may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing
to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
that? It's hideous!

SHREK
(turns to look at Donkey and then back
at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.
It's just a donkey.

FARQUAAD
Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
kills the ogre will be named champion!
Have it him!

MEN
Get him!

SHREK
Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
into a table where there are mugs of
beer)

CROWD
Go ahead! Get him!

SHREK
(holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just
settle this over a pint?

CROWD
Kill the beast!

SHREK
No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
Come on!

He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides
past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.
Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice
to say that Shrek kicks butt.

DONKEY
Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek
gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.

SHREK
Yeah!

A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
and sees him.

WOMAN
The chair! Give him the chair!

Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.

SHREK
Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try
the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
Shrek.

HEAD GUARD
Shall I give the order, sir?

FARQUAAD
No, I have a better idea. People of
DuLoc, I give you our champion!

SHREK
What?

FARQUAAD
Congra- tulations, ogre. You're won the
honor of embarking on a great and noble
quest.

SHREK
Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest
to get my swamp back.

FARQUAAD
Your swamp?

SHREK
Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
fairy tale creatures!

FARQUAAD
Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you
a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
I'll give you your swamp back.

SHREK
Exactly the way it was?

FARQUAAD
Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.


SHREK
And the squatters?

FARQUAAD
As good as gone.

SHREK
What kind of quest?

Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.

DONKEY
Let me get this straight. You're gonna
go fight a dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back
a swamp which you only don't have because
he filled it full of freaks in the first
place. Is that about right?

SHREK
You know, maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.

DONKEY
I don't get it. Why don't you just pull
some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle
him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds
his bones to make your bread, the whole
ogre trip.

SHREK
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
decapitated an entire village and put
their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,
cut open their spleen and drink their
fluids. Does that sound good to you?


DONKEY
Uh, no, not really, no.

SHREK
For your information, there's a lot
more to ogres than people think.

DONKEY
Example?

SHREK
Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
(he holds out his onion)

DONKEY
(sniffs the onion) They stink?

SHREK
Yes - - No!

DONKEY
They make you cry?

SHREK
No!

DONKEY
You leave them in the sun, they get
all brown, start sproutin' little white
hairs.

SHREK
No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers! Onions have layers. You
get it? We both have layers. (he heaves
a sigh and then walks off)

DONKEY
(trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both
have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,
not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody
loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

SHREK
I don't care... what everyone likes.
Ogres are not like cakes.

DONKEY
You know what else everybody likes?
Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,
you say, "Let's get some parfait," they
say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?
Parfaits are delicious.

SHREK
No! You dense, irritating, miniature
beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!
And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.


DONKEY
Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
on the whole damn planet.

SHREK
You know, I think I preferred your humming.


DONKEY
Do you have a tissue or something? I'm
making a mess. Just the word parfait
make me start slobbering.

They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,
so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.

DRAGON'S KEEP

Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to
house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.


DONKEY
(sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
You gotta warn somebody before you just
crack one off. My mouth was open and
everything.

SHREK
Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd
be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We
must be getting close.

DONKEY
Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking
about it's the brimstone. I know what
I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It
didn't come off no stone neither.


They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There
is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where
the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very
foreboding.

SHREK
Sure, it's big enough, but look at the
location. (laughs...then the laugh turns
into a groan)

DONKEY
Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said
ogres have layers?

SHREK
Oh, aye.

DONKEY
Well, I have a bit of a confession to
make. Donkeys don't have layers. We
wear our fear right out there on our
sleeves.

SHREK
Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.


DONKEY
You know what I mean.

SHREK
You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.


DONKEY
No, I'm just a little uncomfortable
about being on a rickety bridge over
a boiling like of lava!

SHREK
Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside
ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll
just tackle this thing together one
little baby step at a time.

DONKEY
Really?

SHREK
Really, really.

DONKEY
Okay, that makes me feel so much better.


SHREK
Just keep moving. And don't look down.


DONKEY
Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.
Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't
look down. (he steps through a rotting
board and ends up looking straight down
into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me
off, please!

SHREK
But you're already halfway.

DONKEY
But I know that half is safe!

SHREK
Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.
You go back.

DONKEY
Shrek, no! Wait!

SHREK
Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance
then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
bridge)

DONKEY
Don't do that!

SHREK
Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
the bridge again)

DONKEY
Yes, that!

SHREK
Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across
the bridge)

DONKEY
No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

SHREK
You said do it! I'm doin' it.

DONKEY
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,
I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
Oh!

SHREK
That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks
towards the castle)

DONKEY
Cool. So where is this fire-breathing
pain-in-the-neck anyway?

SHREK
Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
(chuckles)

DONKEY
I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.


INSIDE THE CASTLE

DONKEY
You afraid?

SHREK
No.

DONKEY
But...

S- HREK
Shh.

DONKEY
Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong
with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
response to an unfamiliar situation.
Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
add. With a dragon that breathes fire
and eats knights and breathes fire,
it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
if you're a little scared. I sure as
heck ain't no coward. I know that.


SHREK
Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.
Now go over there and see if you can
find any stairs.

DONKEY
Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for
the princess.

SHREK
(putting on a helmet) The princess will
be up the stairs in the highest room
in the tallest tower.

DONKEY
What makes you think she'll be there?


SHREK
I read it in a book once. (walks off)


DONKEY
Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle
the stairs. I'll find those stairs.
I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs
won't know which way they're goin'.
(walks off)

EMPTY ROOM

Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.


DONKEY
I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm
the stair master. I've mastered the
stairs. I wish I had a step right here.
I'd step all over it.

ELSEWHERE

Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.

SHREK
Well, at least we know where the princess
is, but where's the...

DONKEY
(os) Dragon!

Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.
Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
breathes fire.

SHREK
Donkey, look out! (he manages to get
a hold of the dragons tail and holds
on) Got ya!

The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek
goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying
on the floor.

DONKEY
Oh! Aah! Aah!

Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
part of the bridge he's on.

DONKEY
No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,
what large teeth you have. (the dragon
growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.
I know you probably hear this all time
from your food, but you must bleach,
'cause that is one dazzling smile you
got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
freshness? And you know what else? You're
- - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.
You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
(the dragon begins fluttering her eyes
at him) What's the matter with you?
You got something in your eye? Ohh.
Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon
blows a smoke ring in the shape of a
heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm
an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd
work out if you're gonna blow smoke
rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
up with her teeth and carries him off)
No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA'S ROOM

Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona
so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.
Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for
a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders
and shakes her away.

FIONA
Oh! Oh!

SHREK
Wake up!

FIONA
What?

SHREK
Are you Princess Fiona?

FIONA
I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
rescue me.

SHREK
Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

FIONA
But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,
romantic moment?

SHREK
Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.


FIONA
Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
sweep me off my feet out yonder window
and down a rope onto your valiant steed.


SHREK
You've had a lot of time to plan this,
haven't you?

FIONA
(smiles) Mm-hmm.

Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down
the hallway.

FIONA
But we have to savor this moment! You
could recite an epic poem for me. A
ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!


SHREK
I don't think so.

FIONA
Can I at least know the name of my champion?


SHREK
Uh, Shrek.

FIONA
Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds
out a handkerchief) I pray that you
take this favor as a token of my gratitude.


SHREK
Thanks!

Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.

FIONA
(surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?


SHREK
It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
(takes off running and drags Fiona behind
him.)

FIONA
But this isn't right! You were meant
to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.
That's what all the other knights did.


SHREK
Yeah, right before they burst into flame.


FIONA
That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly
stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek
ignores her and heads for a wooden door
off to the side.) Wait. Where are you
going? The exit's over there.

SHREK
Well, I have to save my ass.

FIONA
What kind of knight are you?

SHREK
SHREK

Written by

William Steig & Ted Elliott




SHREK
Once upon a time there was a lovely
princess. But she had an enchantment
upon her of a fearful sort which could
only be broken by love's first kiss.
She was locked away in a castle guarded
by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
Many brave knights had attempted to
free her from this dreadful prison,
but non prevailed. She waited in the
dragon's keep in the highest room of
the tallest tower for her true love
and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
Like that's ever gonna happen. What
a load of - (toilet flush)

Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
after the ogre.

NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME

MAN1
Think it's in there?

MAN2
All right. Let's get it!

MAN1
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
thing can do to you?

MAN3
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
bread.

Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

SHREK
Yes, well, actually, that would be a
giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
They'll make a suit from your freshly
peeled skin.

MEN
No!

SHREK
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
quite good on toast.

MAN1
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
(waves the torch at Shrek.)

Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
men are in the dark.

SHREK
This is the part where you run away.
(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
And stay out! (looks down and picks
up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
throws the paper over his shoulder.)


THE NEXT DAY

There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
little pigs.

GUARD
All right. This one's full. Take it
away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!


HEAD GUARD
Next!

GUARD
(taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
Your flying days are over. (breaks the
broom in half)

HEAD GUARD
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
Next!

GUARD
Get up! Come on!

HEAD GUARD
Twenty pieces.

LITTLE BEAR
(crying) This cage is too small.

DONKEY
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
Give me another chance!

OLD WOMAN
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

DONKEY
Oh!

HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?

GIPETTO
This little wooden puppet.

PINOCCHIO
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
nose grows)

HEAD GUARD
Five shillings for the possessed toy.
Take it away.

PINOCCHIO
Father, please! Don't let them do this!
Help me!

Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
to the table.

HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?

OLD WOMAN
Well, I've got a talking donkey.

HEAD GUARD
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
if you can prove it.

OLD WOMAN
Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Donkey just looks up at her.

HEAD GUARD
Well?

OLD WOMAN
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
Talk, you boneheaded dolt...

HEAD GUARD
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!


OLD WOMAN
No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
you ever saw.

HEAD GUARD
Get her out of my sight.

OLD WOMAN
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
with fairy dust and he's able to fly.

DONKEY
Hey! I can fly!

PETER PAN
He can fly!

3 LITTLE PIGS
He can fly!

HEAD GUARD
He can talk!

DONKEY
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
a flying, talking donkey. You might
have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
to the ground.)

He hits the ground with a thud.

HEAD GUARD
Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
After him!

GUARDS
He's getting away! Get him! This way!
Turn!

Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
quickly hides behind Shrek.

HEAD GUARD
You there. Ogre!

SHREK
Aye?

HEAD GUARD
By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
to place you both under arrest and transport
you to a designated resettlement facility.


SHREK
Oh, really? You and what army?

He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
begins walking back to his cottage.

DONKEY
Can I say something to you? Listen,
you was really, really, really somethin'
back here. Incredible!

SHREK
Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
around and Donkey is right in front
of him.) Whoa!

DONKEY
Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
you that you that you was great back
here? Those guards! They thought they
was all of that. Then you showed up,
and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
like babes in the woods. That really
made me feel good to see that.

SHREK
Oh, that's great. Really.

DONKEY
Man, it's good to be free.

SHREK
Now, why don't you go celebrate your
freedom with your own friends? Hmm?


DONKEY
But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
stick with you. You're mean, green,
fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
the spit out of anybody that crosses
us.

Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
loudly.

DONKEY
Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
don't mind me sayin', if that don't
work, your breath certainly will get
the job done, 'cause you definitely
need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
you breath stinks! You almost burned
the hair outta my nose, just like the
time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
continues to talk, so Shrek removes
his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
berries. I had strong gases leaking
out of my butt that day.

SHREK
Why are you following me?

DONKEY
I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
me, My problems have all gone, There's
no one to deride me, But you gotta have
faith...

SHREK
Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
have any friends.

DONKEY
Wow. Only a true friend would be that
cruelly honest.

SHREK
Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
me. What am I?

DONKEY
(looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
tall?

SHREK
No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
bother you?

DONKEY
Nope.

SHRE- K
Really?

DONKEY
Really, really.

SHREK
Oh.

DONKEY
Man, I like you. What's you name?

SHREK
Uh, Shrek.

DONKEY
Shrek? Well, you know what I like about
you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
thing. I like that. I respect that,
Shrek. You all right. (They come over
a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)
Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live
in place like that?

SHREK
That would be my home.

DONKEY
Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.
You know you are quite a decorator.
It's amazing what you've done with such
a modest budget. I like that boulder.
That is a nice boulder. I guess you
don't entertain much, do you?

SHREK
I like my privacy.

DONKEY
You know, I do too. That's another thing
we have in common. Like I hate it when
you got somebody in your face. You've
trying to give them a hint, and they
won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
(awkward silence) Can I stay with you?


SHREK
Uh, what?

DONKEY
Can I stay with you, please?

SHREK
(sarcastically) Of course!

DONKEY
Really- ?

SHREK
No.

DONKEY
Please! I don't wanna go back there!
You don't know what it's like to be
considered a freak. (pause while he
looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.
But that's why we gotta stick together.
You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!


SHREK
Okay! Okay! But one night only.

DONKEY
Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)


SHREK
What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto
a chair.) No! No!

DONKEY
This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
late, swappin' manly stories, and in
the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

SHREK
Oh!

DONKEY
Where do, uh, I sleep?

SHREK
(irritated) Outside!

DONKEY
Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,
I don't know you, and you don't know
me, so I guess outside is best, you
know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek
slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was
born outside. I'll just be sitting by
myself outside, I guess, you know. By
myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's
no one here beside me...

SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights
a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a
noise. He stands up with a huff.

SHREK
(to Donkey) I thought I told you to
stay outside.

DONKEY
(from the window) I am outside.

There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that
made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns
and spots 3 blind mice on his table.

BLIND MOUSE1
Well, gents, it's a far cry from the
farm, but what choice do we have?


BLIND MOUSE2
It's not home, but it'll do just fine.


GORDO
(bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.


SHREK
Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes
and lands on his shoulder.)

GORDO
I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's
ear)

SHREK
Ow!

GORDO
Blah! Awful stuff.

BLIND MOUSE1
Is that you, Gordo?

GORDO
How did you know?

SHREK
Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are
you doing in my house? (He gets bumped
from behind and he drops the mice.)
Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves
with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,
no, no. Dead broad off the table.


DWARF
Where are we supposed to put her? The
bed's taken.

SHREK
Huh?

Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at
him.

BIG BAD WOLF
What?

TIME LAPSE

Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging
him to the front door.

SHREK
I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm
a terrifying ogre! What do I have to
do get a little privacy? (He opens the
front door to throw the Wolf out and
he sees that all the collected Fairy
Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,
no. No! No!

The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his
pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing
flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.


SHREK
What are you doing in my swamp? (this
echoes and everyone falls silent.)


Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
tent.

SHREK
All right, get out of here. All of you,
move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!
Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
dwarves run inside the house) No, no!
No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
look at Donkey)

DONKEY
Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
them.

PINOCCHIO
Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

SHREK
What?

PINOCCHIO
We were forced to come here.

SHREK
(flabbergasted) By who?

LITTLE PIG
Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed
and he...signed an eviction notice.


SHREK
(heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
this Farquaad guy is?

Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

DONKEY
Oh, I do. I know where he is.

SHREK
Does anyone else know where to find
him? Anyone at all?

DONKEY
Me! Me!

SHREK
Anyone?

DONKEY
Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
Me, me!

SHREK
(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
tale things. Do not get comfortable.
Your welcome is officially worn out.
In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad
right now and get you all off my land
and back where you came from! (Pause.
Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
You! You're comin' with me.

DONKEY
All right, that's what I like to hear,
man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart
friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
adventure. I love it!

DONKEY
(singing) On the road again. Sing it
with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get
on the road again.

SHREK
What did I say about singing?

DONKEY
Can I whistle?

SHREK
No.

DONKEY
Can I hum it?

SHREK
All right, hum it.

Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

DULOC - KITCHEN

A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually
dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.

FARQUAAD
That's enough. He's ready to talk.


The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down
onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the
table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes
up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.


FARQUAAD
(he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs
and plays with them) Run, run, run,
as fast as you can. You can't catch
me. I'm the gingerbread man.

GINGERBREAD MAN
You are a monster.

FARQUAAD
I'm not the monster here. You are. You
and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
me! Where are the others?

GINGERBREAD MAN
Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's
eye.)

FARQUAAD
I've tried to be fair to you creatures.
Now my patience has reached its end!
Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to
pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)


GINGERBREAD MAN
No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
buttons.

FARQUAAD
All right then. Who's hiding them?


GINGERBREAD MAN
Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the
muffin man?

FARQUAAD
The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man.

FARQUAAD
Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
on Drury Lane?

GINGERBREAD MAN
Well, she's married to the muffin man.


FARQUAAD
The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man!

FARQUAAD
She's married to the muffin man.

The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

HEAD GUARD
My lord! We found it.

FARQUAAD
Then what are you waiting for? Bring
it in.

More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
Mirror.

GINGERBREAD MAN
(in awe) Ohhhh...

FARQUAAD
Magic mirror...

GINGERBREAD MAN
Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
him up and dumps him into a trash can
with a lid.) No!

FARQUAAD
Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Is this not the most perfect kingdom
of them all?

MIRROR
Well, technically you're not a king.


FARQUAAD
Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
hand mirror and smashes it with his
fist.) You were saying?

MIRROR
What I mean is you're not a king yet.
But you can become one. All you have
to do is marry a princess.

FARQUAAD
Go on.

MIRROR
(chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
and relax, my lord, because it's time
for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
And here they are! Bachelorette number
one is a mentally abused shut-in from
a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
include cooking and cleaning for her
two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
(shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
number two is a cape-wearing girl from
the land of fancy. Although she lives
with seven other men, she's not easy.
Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
find out what a live wire she is. Come
on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
picture of Snow White) And last, but
certainly not last, bachelorette number
three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
But don't let that cool you off. She's
a loaded pistol who likes pina colads
and getting caught in the rain. Yours
for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
number two or bachelorette number three?


GUARDS
Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!


FARQUAAD
Three? One? Three?

THELONIUS
Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
three, my lord!

FARQUAAD
Okay, okay, uh, number three!

MIRROR
Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess
Fiona.

FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I
have to do is just find someone who
can go...

MIRROR
But I probably should mention the little
thing that happens at night.

FARQUAAD
I'll do it.

MIRROR
Yes, but after sunset...

FARQUAAD
Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
my queen, and DuLoc will finally have
the perfect king! Captain, assemble
your finest men. We're going to have
a tournament. (smiles evilly)

DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.

DONKEY
But that's it. That's it right there.
That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.


SHREK
So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.


DONKEY
Uh-huh. That's the place.

SHREK
Do you think maybe he's compensating
for something? (He laughs, but then
groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.
He continues walking through the parking
lot.)

DONKEY
Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

MAN
Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.


SHREK
Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
screams and begins running through the
rows of rope to get to the front gate
to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.
Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just
- - I just - - (He sighs and then begins
walking straight through the rows. The
attendant runs into a wall and falls
down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
continue on into DuLoc.)

DULOC

They look around but all is quiet.

SHREK
It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?


DONKEY
Hey, look at this!

Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors
open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
to sing.

WOODEN PEOPLE
Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town


Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect place.

Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.

DONKEY
Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready
to run over and pull the lever again)


SHREK
(grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)
No. No. No, no, no! No.

They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

FARQUAAD
Brave knights. You are the best and
brightest in all the land. Today one
of you shall prove himself...

As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.

SHREK
All right. You're going the right way
for a smacked bottom.

DONKEY
Sorry about that.

FARQUAAD
That champion shall have the honor -
- no, no - - the privilege to go forth
and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
from the fiery keep of the dragon. If
for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
the first runner-up will take his place
and so on and so forth. Some of you
may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing
to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
that? It's hideous!

SHREK
(turns to look at Donkey and then back
at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.
It's just a donkey.

FARQUAAD
Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
kills the ogre will be named champion!
Have it him!

MEN
Get him!

SHREK
Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
into a table where there are mugs of
beer)

CROWD
Go ahead! Get him!

SHREK
(holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just
settle this over a pint?

CROWD
Kill the beast!

SHREK
No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
Come on!

He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides
past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.
Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice
to say that Shrek kicks butt.

DONKEY
Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek
gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.

SHREK
Yeah!

A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
and sees him.

WOMAN
The chair! Give him the chair!

Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.

SHREK
Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try
the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
Shrek.

HEAD GUARD
Shall I give the order, sir?

FARQUAAD
No, I have a better idea. People of
DuLoc, I give you our champion!

SHREK
- What?

FARQUAAD
Congratulations, ogre. You're won the
honor of embarking on a great and noble
quest.

SHREK
Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest
to get my swamp back.

FARQUAAD
Your swamp?

SHREK
Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
fairy tale creatures!

FARQUAAD
Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you
a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
I'll give you your swamp back.

SHREK
Exactly the way it was?

FARQUAAD
Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.


SHREK
And the squatters?

FARQUAAD
As good as gone.

SHREK
What kind of quest?

Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.

DONKEY
Let me get this straight. You're gonna
go fight a dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back
a swamp which you only don't have because
he filled it full of freaks in the first
place. Is that about right?

SHREK
You know, maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.

DONKEY
I don't get it. Why don't you just pull
some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle
him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds
his bones to make your bread, the whole
ogre trip.

SHREK
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
decapitated an entire village and put
their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,
cut open their spleen and drink their
fluids. Does that sound good to you?


DONKEY
Uh, no, not really, no.

SHREK
For your information, there's a lot
more to ogres than people think.

DONKEY
Example?

SHREK
Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
(he holds out his onion)

DONKEY
(sniffs the onion) They stink?

SHREK
Yes - - No!

DONKEY
They make you cry?

SHREK
No!

DONKEY
You leave them in the sun, they get
all brown, start sproutin' little white
hairs.

SHREK
No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers! Onions have layers. You
get it? We both have layers. (he heaves
a sigh and then walks off)

DONKEY
(trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both
have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,
not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody
loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

SHREK
I don't care... what everyone likes.
Ogres are not like cakes.

DONKEY
You know what else everybody likes?
Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,
you say, "Let's get some parfait," they
say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?
Parfaits are delicious.

SHREK
No! You dense, irritating, miniature
beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!
And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.


DONKEY
Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
on the whole damn planet.

SHREK
You know, I think I preferred your humming.


DONKEY
Do you have a tissue or something? I'm
making a mess. Just the word parfait
make me start slobbering.

They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,
so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.

DRAGON'S KEEP

Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to
house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.


DONKEY
(sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
You gotta warn somebody before you just
crack one off. My mouth was open and
everything.

SHREK
Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd
be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We
must be getting close.

DONKEY
Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking
about it's the brimstone. I know what
I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It
didn't come off no stone neither.


They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There
is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where
the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very
foreboding.

SHREK
Sure, it's big enough, but look at the
location. (laughs...then the laugh turns
into a groan)

DONKEY
Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said
ogres have layers?

SHREK
Oh, aye.

DONKEY
Well, I have a bit of a confession to
make. Donkeys don't have layers. We
wear our fear right out there on our
sleeves.

SHREK
Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.


DONKEY
You know what I mean.

SHREK
You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.


DONKEY
No, I'm just a little uncomfortable
about being on a rickety bridge over
a boiling like of lava!

SHREK
Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside
ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll
just tackle this thing together one
little baby step at a time.

DONKEY
Really?

SHREK
Really, really.

DONKEY
Okay, that makes me feel so much better.


SHREK
Just keep moving. And don't look down.


DONKEY
Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.
Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't
look down. (he steps through a rotting
board and ends up looking straight down
into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me
off, please!

SHREK
But you're already halfway.

DONKEY
But I know that half is safe!

SHREK
Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.
You go back.

DONKEY
Shrek, no! Wait!

SHREK
Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance
then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
bridge)

DONKEY
Don't do that!

SHREK
Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
the bridge again)

DONKEY
Yes, that!

SHREK
Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across
the bridge)

DONKEY
No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

SHREK
You said do it! I'm doin' it.

DONKEY
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,
I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
Oh!

SHREK
That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks
towards the castle)

DONKEY
Cool. So where is this fire-breathing
pain-in-the-neck anyway?

SHREK
Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
(chuckles)

DONKEY
I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.


INSIDE THE CASTLE

DONKEY
You afraid?

SHREK
N- o.

DONKEY
But...

SHREK
Shh.

DONKEY
Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong
with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
response to an unfamiliar situation.
Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
add. With a dragon that breathes fire
and eats knights and breathes fire,
it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
if you're a little scared. I sure as
heck ain't no coward. I know that.


SHREK
Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.
Now go over there and see if you can
find any stairs.

DONKEY
Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for
the princess.

SHREK
(putting on a helmet) The princess will
be up the stairs in the highest room
in the tallest tower.

DONKEY
What makes you think she'll be there?


SHREK
I read it in a book once. (walks off)


DONKEY
Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle
the stairs. I'll find those stairs.
I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs
won't know which way they're goin'.
(walks off)

EMPTY ROOM

Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.


DONKEY
I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm
the stair master. I've mastered the
stairs. I wish I had a step right here.
I'd step all over it.

ELSEWHERE

Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.

SHREK
Well, at least we know where the princess
is, but where's the...

DONKEY
(os) Dragon!

Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.
Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
breathes fire.

SHREK
Donkey, look out! (he manages to get
a hold of the dragons tail and holds
on) Got ya!

The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek
goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying
on the floor.

DONKEY
Oh! Aah! Aah!

Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
part of the bridge he's on.

DONKEY
No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,
what large teeth you have. (the dragon
growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.
I know you probably hear this all time
from your food, but you must bleach,
'cause that is one dazzling smile you
got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
freshness? And you know what else? You're
- - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.
You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
(the dragon begins fluttering her eyes
at him) What's the matter with you?
You got something in your eye? Ohh.
Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon
blows a smoke ring in the shape of a
heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm
an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd
work out if you're gonna blow smoke
rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
up with her teeth and carries him off)
No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA'S ROOM

Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona
so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.
Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for
a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders
and shakes her away.

FIONA
Oh! Oh!

SHREK
Wake up!

FIONA
What?

SHREK
Are you Princess Fiona?

FIONA
I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
rescue me.

SHREK
Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

FIONA
But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,
romantic moment?

SHREK
Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.


FIONA
Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
sweep me off my feet out yonder window
and down a rope onto your valiant steed.


SHREK
You've had a lot of time to plan thi

hore
06.04.2017 12:14

Bra!
1
anbefalinger
hei like kys? ok ok denne teksten suger lær norsk pls

Alexxi
21.04.2016 10:26

Bra!
0
anbefalinger
Hei denne funet bra Keppo

danish
04.12.2016 18:46

Bra!
0
anbefalinger
i love you, because your so amizing, awsome, cute, handsome and nice. I just want to cry when i see you, youre so beautiful, and i love you. I hope we can meet each other soon. XOXOX I love you my beautiful

Shrek
18.10.2017 18:17

Bra!
0
anbefalinger
Nice Wink ;-\)


31.10.2017 09:14

Bra!
0
anbefalinger

Bee Movie Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Bee Movie script is here for all you fans of the Jerry Seinfeld animated movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Bee Movie quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.
Bee Movie Script



According to all known laws
of aviation,


there is no way a bee
should be able to fly.


Its wings are too small to get
its fat little body off the ground.


The bee, of course, flies anyway


because bees don't care
what humans think is impossible.


Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.


Ooh, black and yellow!
Let's shake it up a little.


Barry! Breakfast is ready!


Ooming!


Hang on a second.


Hello?


- Barry?
- Adam?


- Oan you believe this is happening?
- I can't. I'll pick you up.


Looking sharp.


Use the stairs. Your father
paid good money for those.


Sorry. I'm excited.


Here's the graduate.
We're very proud of you, son.


A perfect report card, all B's.


Very proud.


Ma! I got a thing going here.


- You got lint on your fuzz.
- Ow! That's me!


- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.
- Bye!


Barry, I told you,
stop flying in the house!


- Hey, Adam.
- Hey, Barry.


- Is that fuzz gel?
- A little. Special day, graduation.


Never thought I'd make it.


Three days grade school,
three days high school.


Those were awkward.


Three days college. I'm glad I took
a day and hitchhiked around the hive.


You did come back different.


- Hi, Barry.
- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.


- Hear about Frankie?
- Yeah.


- You going to the funeral?
- No, I'm not going.


Everybody knows,
sting someone, you die.


Don't waste it on a squirrel.
Such a hothead.


I guess he could have
just gotten out of the way.


I love this incorporating
an amusement park into our day.


That's why we don't need vacations.


Boy, quite a bit of pomp...
under the circumstances.


- Well, Adam, today we are men.
- We are!


- Bee-men.
- Amen!


Hallelujah!


Students, faculty, distinguished bees,


please welcome Dean Buzzwell.


Welcome, New Hive Oity
graduating class of...


...9:15.


That concludes our ceremonies.


And begins your career
at Honex Industries!


Will we pick ourjob today?


I heard it's just orientation.


Heads up! Here we go.


Keep your hands and antennas
inside the tram at all times.


- Wonder what it'll be like?
- A little scary.


Welcome to Honex,
a division of Honesco


and a part of the Hexagon Group.


This is it!


Wow.


Wow.


We know that you, as a bee,
have worked your whole life


to get to the point where you
can work for your whole life.


Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.


Our top-secret formula


is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured


into this soothing sweet syrup


with its distinctive
golden glow you know as...


Honey!


- That girl was hot.
- She's my cousin!


- She is?
- Yes, we're all cousins.


- Right. You're right.
- At Honex, we constantly strive


to improve every aspect
of bee existence.


These bees are stress-testing
a new helmet technology.


- What do you think he makes?
- Not enough.


Here we have our latest advancement,
the Krelman.


- What does that do?
- Oatches that little strand of honey


that hangs after you pour it.
Saves us millions.


Oan anyone work on the Krelman?


Of course. Most bee jobs are
small ones. But bees know


that every small job,
if it's done well, means a lot.


But choose carefully


because you'll stay in the job
you pick for the rest of your life.


The same job the rest of your life?
I didn't know that.


What's the difference?


You'll be happy to know that bees,
as a species, haven't had one day off


in 27 million years.


So you'll just work us to death?


We'll sure try.


Wow! That blew my mind!


"What's the difference?"
How can you say that?


One job forever?
That's an insane choice to have to make.


I'm relieved. Now we only have
to make one decision in life.


But, Adam, how could they
never have told us that?


Why would you question anything?
We're bees.


We're the most perfectly
functioning society on Earth.


You ever think maybe things
work a little too well here?


Like what? Give me one example.


I don't know. But you know
what I'm talking about.


Please clear the gate.
Royal Nectar Force on approach.


Wait a second. Oheck it out.


- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!
- Wow.


I've never seen them this close.


They know what it's like
outside the hive.


Yeah, but some don't come back.


- Hey, Jocks!
- Hi, Jocks!


You guys did great!


You're monsters!
You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!


- I wonder where they were.
- I don't know.


Their day's not planned.


Outside the hive, flying who knows
where, doing who knows what.


You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen
Jock. You have to be bred for that.


Right.


Look. That's more pollen
than you and I will see in a lifetime.


It's just a status symbol.
Bees make too much of it.


Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it
and the ladies see you wearing it.


Those ladies?
Aren't they our cousins too?


Distant. Distant.


Look at these two.


- Oouple of Hive Harrys.
- Let's have fun with them.


It must be dangerous
being a Pollen Jock.


Yeah. Once a bear pinned me
against a mushroom!


He had a paw on my throat,
and with the other, he was slapping me!


- Oh, my!
- I never thought I'd knock him out.


What were you doing during this?


Trying to alert the authorities.


I can autograph that.


A little gusty out there today,
wasn't it, comrades?


Yeah. Gusty.


We're hitting a sunflower patch
six miles from here tomorrow.


- Six miles, huh?
- Barry!


A puddle jump for us,
but maybe you're not up for it.


- Maybe I am.
- You are not!


We're going 0900 at J-Gate.


What do you think, buzzy-boy?
Are you bee enough?


I might be. It all depends
on what 0900 means.


Hey, Honex!


Dad, you surprised me.


You decide what you're interested in?


- Well, there's a lot of choices.
- But you only get one.


Do you ever get bored
doing the same job every day?


Son, let me tell you about stirring.


You grab that stick, and you just
move it around, and you stir it around.


You get yourself into a rhythm.
It's a beautiful thing.


You know, Dad,
the more I think about it,


maybe the honey field
just isn't right for me.


You were thinking of what,
making balloon animals?


That's a bad job
for a guy with a stinger.


Janet, your son's not sure
he wants to go into honey!


- Barry, you are so funny sometimes.
- I'm not trying to be funny.


You're not funny! You're going
into honey. Our son, the stirrer!


- You're gonna be a stirrer?
- No one's listening to me!


Wait till you see the sticks I have.


I could say anything right now.
I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!


Let's open some honey and celebrate!


Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.
Shave my antennae.


Shack up with a grasshopper. Get
a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!


I'm so proud.


- We're starting work today!
- Today's the day.


Oome on! All the good jobs
will be gone.


Yeah, right.


Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,
stirrer, front desk, hair removal...


- Is it still available?
- Hang on. Two left!


One of them's yours! Oongratulations!
Step to the side.


- What'd you get?
- Picking crud out. Stellar!


Wow!


Oouple of newbies?


Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!


Make your choice.


- You want to go first?
- No, you go.


Oh, my. What's available?


Restroom attendant's open,
not for the reason you think.


- Any chance of getting the Krelman?
- Sure, you're on.


I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.


Wax monkey's always open.


The Krelman opened up again.


What happened?


A bee died. Makes an opening. See?
He's dead. Another dead one.


Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.


Dead from the neck up.
Dead from the neck down. That's life!


Oh, this is so hard!


Heating, cooling,
stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,


humming, inspector number seven,
lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,


mite wrangler. Barry, what
do you think I should... Barry?


Barry!


All right, we've got the sunflower patch
in quadrant nine...


What happened to you?
Where are you?


- I'm going out.
- Out? Out where?


- Out there.
- Oh, no!


I have to, before I go
to work for the rest of my life.


You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?


Another call coming in.


If anyone's feeling brave,
there's a Korean deli on 83rd


that gets their roses today.


Hey, guys.


- Look at that.
- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?


Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.


It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.


Really? Feeling lucky, are you?


Sign here, here. Just initial that.


- Thank you.
- OK.


You got a rain advisory today,


and as you all know,
bees cannot fly in rain.


So be careful. As always,
watch your brooms,


hockey sticks, dogs,
birds, bears and bats.


Also, I got a couple of reports
of root beer being poured on us.


Murphy's in a home because of it,
babbling like a cicada!


- That's awful.
- And a reminder for you rookies,


bee law number one,
absolutely no talking to humans!


All right, launch positions!


Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!


Black and yellow!


Hello!


You ready for this, hot shot?


Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.


Wind, check.


- Antennae, check.
- Nectar pack, check.


- Wings, check.
- Stinger, check.


Scared out of my shorts, check.


OK, ladies,


let's move it out!


Pound those petunias,
you striped stem-suckers!


All of you, drain those flowers!


Wow! I'm out!


I can't believe I'm out!


So blue.


I feel so fast and free!


Box kite!


Wow!


Flowers!


This is Blue Leader.
We have roses visual.


Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.


Roses!


30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.


Stand to the side, kid.
It's got a bit of a kick.


That is one nectar collector!


- Ever see pollination up close?
- No, sir.


I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it
over here. Maybe a dash over there,


a pinch on that one.
See that? It's a little bit of magic.


That's amazing. Why do we do that?


That's pollen power. More pollen, more
flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.


Oool.


I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.
Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?


Oopy that visual.


Wait. One of these flowers
seems to be on the move.


Say again? You're reporting
a moving flower?


Affirmative.


That was on the line!


This is the coolest. What is it?


I don't know, but I'm loving this color.


It smells good.
Not like a flower, but I like it.


Yeah, fuzzy.


Ohemical-y.


Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.


My sweet lord of bees!


Oandy-brain, get off there!


Problem!


- Guys!
- This could be bad.


Affirmative.


Very close.


Gonna hurt.


Mama's little boy.


You are way out of position, rookie!


Ooming in at you like a missile!


Help me!


I don't think these are flowers.


- Should we tell him?
- I think he knows.


What is this?!


Match point!


You can start packing up, honey,
because you're about to eat it!


Yowser!


Gross.


There's a bee in the car!


- Do something!
- I'm driving!


- Hi, bee.
- He's back here!


He's going to sting me!


Nobody move. If you don't move,
he won't sting you. Freeze!


He blinked!


Spray him, Granny!


What are you doing?!


Wow... the tension level
out here is unbelievable.


I gotta get home.


Oan't fly in rain.


Oan't fly in rain.


Oan't fly in rain.


Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!


Ken, could you close
the window please?


Ken, could you close
the window please?


Oheck out my new resume.
I made it into a fold-out brochure.


You see? Folds out.


Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.


What was that?


Maybe this time. This time. This time.
This time! This time! This...


Drapes!


That is diabolical.


It's fantastic. It's got all my special
skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.


What's number one? Star Wars?


Nah, I don't go for that...


...kind of stuff.


No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.
They're out of their minds.


When I leave a job interview, they're
flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.


There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.


I don't remember the sun
having a big 75 on it.


I predicted global warming.


I could feel it getting hotter.
At first I thought it was just me.


Wait! Stop! Bee!


Stand back. These are winter boots.


Wait!


Don't kill him!


You know I'm allergic to them!
This thing could kill me!


Why does his life have
less value than yours?


Why does his life have any less value
than mine? Is that your statement?


I'm just saying all life has value. You
don't know what he's capable of feeling.


My brochure!


There you go, little guy.


I'm not scared of him.
It's an allergic thing.


Put that on your resume brochure.


My whole face could puff up.


Make it one of your special skills.


Knocking someone out
is also a special skill.


Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.


- Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
- Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.


- You could put carob chips on there.
- Bye.


- Supposed to be less calories.
- Bye.


I gotta say something.


She saved my life.
I gotta say something.


All right, here it goes.


Nah.


What would I say?


I could really get in trouble.


It's a bee law.
You're not supposed to talk to a human.


I can't believe I'm doing this.


I've got to.


Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!


No. Yes. No.


Do it. I can't.


How should I start it?
"You like jazz?" No, that's no good.


Here she comes! Speak, you fool!


Hi!


I'm sorry.


- You're talking.
- Yes, I know.


You're talking!


I'm so sorry.


No, it's OK. It's fine.
I know I'm dreaming.


But I don't recall going to bed.


Well, I'm sure this
is very disconcerting.


This is a bit of a surprise to me.
I mean, you're a bee!


I am. And I'm not supposed
to be doing this,


but they were all trying to kill me.


And if it wasn't for you...


I had to thank you.
It's just how I was raised.


That was a little weird.


- I'm talking with a bee.
- Yeah.


I'm talking to a bee.
And the bee is talking to me!


I just want to say I'm grateful.
I'll leave now.


- Wait! How did you learn to do that?
- What?


The talking thing.


Same way you did, I guess.
"Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.


- That's very funny.
- Yeah.


Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,
we'd cry with what we have to deal with.


Anyway...


Oan I...


...get you something?
- Like what?


I don't know. I mean...
I don't know. Ooffee?


I don't want to put you out.


It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.


- It's just coffee.
- I hate to impose.


- Don't be ridiculous!
- Actually, I would love a cup.


Hey, you want rum cake?


- I shouldn't.
- Have some.


- No, I can't.
- Oome on!


I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.


- Where?
- These stripes don't help.


You look great!


I don't know if you know
anything about fashion.


Are you all right?


No.


He's making the tie in the cab
as they're flying up Madison.


He finally gets there.


He runs up the steps into the church.
The wedding is on.


And he says, "Watermelon?
I thought you said Guatemalan.


Why would I marry a watermelon?"


Is that a bee joke?


That's the kind of stuff we do.


Yeah, different.


So, what are you gonna do, Barry?


About work? I don't know.


I want to do my part for the hive,
but I can't do it the way they want.


I know how you feel.


- You do?
- Sure.


My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or
a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.


- Really?
- My only interest is flowers.


Our new queen was just elected
with that same campaign slogan.


Anyway, if you look...


There's my hive right there. See it?


You're in Sheep Meadow!


Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!


No way! I know that area.
I lost a toe ring there once.


- Why do girls put rings on their toes?
- Why not?


- It's like putting a hat on your knee.
- Maybe I'll try that.


- You all right, ma'am?
- Oh, yeah. Fine.


Just having two cups of coffee!


Anyway, this has been great.
Thanks for the coffee.


Yeah, it's no trouble.


Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,
I'd be up the rest of my life.


Are you...?


Oan I take a piece of this with me?


Sure! Here, have a crumb.


- Thanks!
- Yeah.


All right. Well, then...
I guess I'll see you around.


Or not.


OK, Barry.


And thank you
so much again... for before.


Oh, that? That was nothing.


Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...


This can't possibly work.


He's all set to go.
We may as well try it.


OK, Dave, pull the chute.


- Sounds amazing.
- It was amazing!


It was the scariest,
happiest moment of my life.


Humans! I can't believe
you were with humans!


Giant, scary humans!
What were they like?


Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.


They eat crazy giant things.
They drive crazy.


- Do they try and kill you, like on TV?
- Some of them. But some of them don't.


- How'd you get back?
- Poodle.


You did it, and I'm glad. You saw
whatever you wanted to see.


You had your "experience." Now you
can pick out yourjob and be normal.


- Well...
- Well?


Well, I met someone.


You did? Was she Bee-ish?


- A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!
- No, no, no, not a wasp.


- Spider?
- I'm not attracted to spiders.


I know it's the hottest thing,
with the eight legs and all.


I can't get by that face.


So who is she?


She's... human.


No, no. That's a bee law.
You wouldn't break a bee law.


- Her name's Vanessa.
- Oh, boy.


She's so nice. And she's a florist!


Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!


We're not dating.


You're flying outside the hive, talking
to humans that attack our homes


with power washers and M-80s!
One-eighth a stick of dynamite!


She saved my life!
And she understands me.


This is over!


Eat this.


This is not over! What was that?


- They call it a crumb.
- It was so stingin' stripey!


And that's not what they eat.
That's what falls off what they eat!


- You know what a Oinnabon is?
- No.


It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.
They heat it up...


Sit down!


...really hot!
- Listen to me!


We are not them! We're us.
There's us and there's them!


Yes, but who can deny
the heart that is yearning?


There's no yearning.
Stop yearning. Listen to me!


You have got to start thinking bee,
my friend. Thinking bee!


- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.


Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


There he is. He's in the pool.


You know what your problem is, Barry?


I gotta start thinking bee?


How much longer will this go on?


It's been three days!
Why aren't you working?


I've got a lot of big life decisions
to think about.


What life? You have no life!
You have no job. You're barely a bee!


Would it kill you
to make a little honey?


Barry, come out.
Your father's talking to you.


Martin, would you talk to him?


Barry, I'm talking to you!


You coming?


Got everything?


All set!


Go ahead. I'll catch up.


Don't be too long.


Watch this!


Vanessa!


- We're still here.
- I told you not to yell at him.


He doesn't respond to yelling!


- Then why yell at me?
- Because you don't listen!


I'm not listening to this.


Sorry, I've gotta go.


- Where are you going?
- I'm meeting a friend.


A girl? Is this why you can't decide?


Bye.


I just hope she's Bee-ish.


They have a huge parade
of flowers every year in Pasadena?


To be in the Tournament of Roses,
that's every florist's dream!


Up on a float, surrounded
by flowers, crowds cheering.


A tournament. Do the roses
compete in athletic events?


No. All right, I've got one.
How come you don't fly everywhere?


It's exhausting. Why don't you
run everywhere? It's faster.


Yeah, OK, I see, I see.
All right, your turn.


TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?
That's insane!


You don't have that?


We have Hivo, but it's a disease.
It's a horrible, horrible disease.


Oh, my.


Dumb bees!


You must want to sting all those jerks.


We try not to sting.
It's usually fatal for us.


So you have to watch your temper.


Very carefully.
You kick a wall, take a walk,


write an angry letter and throw it out.
Work through it like any emotion:


Anger, jealousy, lust.


Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?


Yeah.


- What is wrong with you?!
- It's a bug.


He's not bothering anybody.
Get out of here, you creep!


What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?


Yeah, it was. How did you know?


It felt like about 10 pages.
Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.


You've really got that
down to a science.


- I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.
- I'll bet.


What in the name
of Mighty Hercules is this?


How did this get here?
Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,


Ray Liotta Private Select?


- Is he that actor?
- I never heard of him.


- Why is this here?
- For people. We eat it.


You don't have
enough food of your own?


- Well, yes.
- How do you get it?


- Bees make it.
- I know who makes it!


And it's hard to make it!


There's heating, cooling, stirring.
You need a whole Krelman thing!


- It's organic.
- It's our-ganic!


It's just honey, Barry.


Just what?!


Bees don't know about this!
This is stealing! A lot of stealing!


You've taken our homes, schools,
hospitals! This is all we have!


And it's on sale?!
I'm getting to the bottom of this.


I'm getting to the bottom
of all of this!


Hey, Hector.


- You almost done?
- Almost.


He is here. I sense it.


Well, I guess I'll go home now


and just leave this nice honey out,
with no one around.


You're busted, box boy!


I knew I heard something.
So you can talk!


I can talk.
And now you'll start talking!


Where you getting the sweet stuff?
Who's your supplier?


I don't understand.
I thought we were friends.


The last thing we want
to do is upset bees!


You're too late! It's ours now!


You, sir, have crossed
the wrong sword!


You, sir, will be lunch
for my iguana, Ignacio!


Where is the honey coming from?


Tell me where!


Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!


Orazy person!


What horrible thing has happened here?


These faces, they never knew
what hit them. And now


they're on the road to nowhere!


Just keep still.


What? You're not dead?


Do I look dead? They will wipe anything
that moves. Where you headed?


To Honey Farms.
I am onto something huge here.


I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,
crazy stuff. Blows your head off!


I'm going to Tacoma.


- And you?
- He really is dead.


All right.


Uh-oh!


- What is that?!
- Oh, no!


- A wiper! Triple blade!
- Triple blade?


Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!


Why does everything have
to be so doggone clean?!


How much do you people need to see?!


Open your eyes!
Stick your head out the window!


From NPR News in Washington,
I'm Oarl Kasell.


But don't kill no more bugs!


- Bee!
- Moose blood guy!!


- You hear something?
- Like what?


Like tiny screaming.


Turn off the radio.


Whassup, bee boy?


Hey, Blood.


Just a row of honey jars,
as far as the eye could see.


Wow!


I assume wherever this truck goes
is where they're getting it.


I mean, that honey's ours.


- Bees hang tight.
- We're all jammed in.


It's a close community.


Not us, man. We on our own.
Every mosquito on his own.


- What if you get in trouble?
- You a mosquito, you in trouble.


Nobody likes us. They just smack.
See a mosquito, smack, smack!


At least you're out in the world.
You must meet girls.


Mosquito girls try to trade up,
get with a moth, dragonfly.


Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.


You got to be kidding me!


Mooseblood's about to leave
the building! So long, bee!


- Hey, guys!
- Mooseblood!


I knew I'd catch y'all down here.
Did you bring your crazy straw?


We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,
and it's pretty much pure profit.


What is this place?


A bee's got a brain
the size of a pinhead.


They are pinheads!


Pinhead.


- Oheck out the new smoker.
- Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.


The Thomas 3000!


Smoker?


Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.
Twice the nicotine, all the tar.


A couple breaths of this
knocks them right out.


They make the honey,
and we make the money.


"They make the honey,
and we make the money"?


Oh, my!


What's going on? Are you OK?


Yeah. It doesn't last too long.


Do you know you're
in a fake hive with fake walls?


Our queen was moved here.
We had no choice.


This is your queen?
That's a man in women's clothes!


That's a drag queen!


What is this?


Oh, no!


There's hundreds of them!


Bee honey.


Our honey is being brazenly stolen
on a massive scale!


This is worse than anything bears
have done! I intend to do something.


Oh, Barry, stop.


Who told you humans are taking
our honey? That's a rumor.


Do these look like rumors?


That's a conspiracy theory.
These are obviously doctored photos.


How did you get mixed up in this?


He's been talking to humans.


- What?
- Talking to humans?!


He has a human girlfriend.
And they make out!


Make out? Barry!


We do not.


- You wish you could.
- Whose side are you on?


The bees!


I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.
Those crazy legs kept me up all night.


Barry, this is what you want
to do with your life?


I want to do it for all our lives.
Nobody works harder than bees!


Dad, I remember you
coming home so overworked


your hands were still stirring.
You couldn't stop.


I remember that.


What right do they have to our honey?


We live on two cups a year. They put it
in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!


Even if it's true, what can one bee do?


Sting them where it really hurts.


In the face! The eye!


- That would hurt.
- No.


Up the nose? That's a killer.


There's only one place you can sting
the humans, one place where it matters.


Hive at Five, the hive's only
full-hour action news source.


No more bee beards!


With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.


Weather with Storm Stinger.


Sports with Buzz Larvi.


And Jeanette Ohung.


- Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.
- And I'm Jeanette Ohung.


A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,


intends to sue the human race
for stealing our honey,


packaging it and profiting
from it illegally!


Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,


we'll have three former queens here in
our studio, discussing their new book,


Olassy Ladies,
out this week on Hexagon.


Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.


Did you ever think, "I'm a kid
from the hive. I can't do this"?


Bees have never been afraid
to change the world.


What about Bee Oolumbus?
Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?


Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.


We were thinking
of stickball or candy stores.


How old are you?


The bee community
is supporting you in this case,


which will be the trial
of the bee century.


You know, they have a Larry King
in the human world too.


It's a common name. Next week...


He looks like you and has a show
and suspenders and colored dots...


Next week...


Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the
guest even though you just heard 'em.


Bear Week next week!
They're scary, hairy and here live.


Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,
squinty eyes, very Jewish.


In tennis, you attack
at the point of weakness!


It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.


Honey, her backhand's a joke!
I'm not gonna take advantage of that?


Quiet, please.
Actual work going on here.


- Is that that same bee?
- Yes, it is!


I'm helping him sue the human race.


- Hello.
- Hello, bee.


This is Ken.


Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size
ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.


Why does he talk again?


Listen, you better go
'cause we're really busy working.


But it's our yogurt night!


Bye-bye.


Why is yogurt night so difficult?!


You poor thing.
You two have been at this for hours!


Yes, and Adam here
has been a huge help.


- Frosting...
- How many sugars?


Just one. I try not
to use the competition.


So why are you helping me?


Bees have good qualities.


And it takes my mind off the shop.


Instead of flowers, people
are giving balloon bouquets now.


Those are great, if you're three.


And artificial flowers.


- Oh, those just get me psychotic!
- Yeah, me too.


Bent stingers, pointless pollination.


Bees must hate those fake things!


Nothing worse
than a daffodil that's had work done.


Maybe this could make up
for it a little bit.


- This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.
- I guess.


You sure you want to go through with it?


Am I sure? When I'm done with
the humans, they won't be able


to say, "Honey, I'm home,"
without paying a royalty!


It's an incredible scene
here in downtown Manhattan,


where the world anxiously waits,
because for the first time in history,


we will hear for ourselves
if a honeybee can actually speak.


What have we gotten into here, Barry?


It's pretty big, isn't it?


I can't believe how many humans
don't work during the day.


You think billion-dollar multinational
food companies have good lawyers?


Everybody needs to stay
behind the barricade.


- What's the matter?
- I don't know, I just got a chill.


Well, if it isn't the bee team.


You boys work on this?


All rise! The Honorable
Judge Bumbleton presiding.


All right. Oase number 4475,


Superior Oourt of New York,
Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry


is now in session.


Mr. Montgomery, you're representing
the five food companies collectively?


A privilege.


Mr. Benson... you're representing
all the bees of the world?


I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,
we're ready to proceed.


Mr. Montgomery,
your opening statement, please.


Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,


my grandmother was a simple woman.


Born on a farm, she believed
it was man's divine right


to benefit from the bounty
of nature God put before us.


If we lived in the topsy-turvy world
Mr. Benson imagines,


just think of what would it mean.


I would have to negotiate
with the silkworm


for the elastic in my britches!


Talking bee!


How do we know this isn't some sort of


holographic motion-picture-capture
Hollywood wizardry?


They could be using laser beams!


Robotics! Ventriloquism!
Oloning! For all we know,


he could be on steroids!


Mr. Benson?


Ladies and gentlemen,
there's no trickery here.


I'm just an ordinary bee.
Honey's pretty important to me.


It's important to all bees.
We invented it!


We make it. And we protect it
with our lives.


Unfortunately, there are
some people in this room


who think they can take it from us


'cause we're the little guys!
I'm hoping that, after this is all over,


you'll see how, by taking our honey,
you not only take everything we have


but everything we are!


I wish he'd dress like that
all the time. So nice!


Oall your first witness.


So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
of Honey Farms, big company you have.


I suppose so.


I see you also own
Honeyburton and Honron!


Yes, they provide beekeepers
for our farms.


Beekeeper. I find that
to be a very disturbing term.


I don't imagine you employ
any bee-free-ers, do you?


- No.
- I couldn't hear you.


- No.
- No.


Because you don't free bees.
You keep bees. Not only that,


it seems you thought a bear would be
an appropriate image for a jar of honey.


They're very lovable creatures.


Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.


You mean like this?


Bears kill bees!


How'd you like his head crashing
through your living room?!


Biting into your couch!
Spitting out your throw pillows!


OK, that's enough. Take him away.


So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.
Your name intrigues me.


- Where have I heard it before?
- I was with a band called The Police.


But you've never been
a police officer, have you?


No, I haven't.


No, you haven't. And so here
we have yet another example


of bee culture casually
stolen by a human


for nothing more than
a prance-about stage name.


Oh, please.


Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?


Because I'm feeling
a little stung, Sting.


Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!


That's not his real name?! You idiots!


Mr. Liotta, first,
belated congratulations on


your Emmy win for a guest spot
on ER in 2005.


Thank you. Thank you.


I see from your resume
that you're devilishly handsome


with a churning inner turmoil
that's ready to blow.


I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?


Not yet it isn't. But is this
what it's come to for you?


Exploiting tiny, helpless bees
so you don't


have to rehearse
your part and learn your lines, sir?


Watch it, Benson!
I could blow right now!


This isn't a goodfella.
This is a badfella!


Why doesn't someone just step on
this creep, and we can all go home?!


- Order in this court!
- You're all thinking it!


Order! Order, I say!


- Say it!
- Mr. Liotta, please sit down!


I think it was awfully nice
of that bear to pitch in like that.


I think the jury's on our side.


Are we doing everything right, legally?


I'm a florist.


Right. Well, here's to a great team.


To a great team!


Well, hello.


- Ken!
- Hello.


I didn't think you were coming.


No, I was just late.
I tried to call, but... the battery.


I didn't want all this to go to waste,
so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.


Oh, that was lucky.


There's a little left.
I could heat it up.


Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.


So I hear you're quite a tennis player.


I'm not much for the game myself.
The ball's a little grabby.


That's where I usually sit.
Right... there.


Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,


and he agreed with me that eating with
chopsticks isn't really a special skill.


You think I don't see what you're doing?


I know how hard it is to find
the rightjob. We have that in common.


Do we?


Bees have 100 percent employment,
but we do jobs like taking the crud out.


That's just what
I was thinking about doing.


Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor
for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.


I'm going to drain the old stinger.


Yeah, you do that.


Look at that.


You know, I've just about had it


with your little mind games.


- What's that?
- Italian Vogue.


Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.


A lot of ads.


Remember what Van said, why is
your life more valuable than mine?


Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!


I think something stinks in here!


I love the smell of flowers.


How do you like the smell of flames?!


Not as much.


Water bug! Not taking sides!


Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat!
This is pathetic!


I've got issues!


Well, well, well, a royal flush!


- You're bluffing.
- Am I?


Surf's up, dude!


Poo water!


That bowl is gnarly.


Except for those dirty yellow rings!


Kenneth! What are you doing?!


You know, I don't even like honey!
I don't eat it!


We need to talk!


He's just a little bee!


And he happens to be
the nicest bee I've met in a long time!


Long time? What are you talking about?!
Are there other bugs in your life?


No, but there are other things bugging
me in life. And you're one of them!


Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...


My nerves are fried from riding
on this emotional roller coaster!


Goodbye, Ken.


And for your information,


I prefer sugar-free, artificial
sweeteners made by man!


I'm sorry about all that.


I know it's got
an aftertaste! I like it!


I always felt there was some kind
of barrier between Ken and me.


I couldn't overcome it.
Oh, well.


Are you OK for the trial?


I believe Mr. Montgomery
is about out of ideas.


We would like to call
Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.


Good idea! You can really see why he's
considered one of the best lawyers...


Yeah.


Layton, you've
gotta weave some magic


with this jury,
or it's gonna be all over.


Don't worry. The only thing I have
to do to turn this jury around


is to remind them
of what they don't like about bees.


- You got the tweezers?
- Are you allergic?


Only to losing, son. Only to losing.


Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you
what I think we'd all like to know.


What exactly is your relationship


to that woman?


We're friends.


- Good friends?
- Yes.


How good? Do you live together?


Wait a minute...


Are you her little...


...bedbug?


I've seen a bee documentary or two.
From what I understand,


doesn't your queen give birth
to all the bee children?


- Yeah, but...
- So those aren't your real parents!


- Oh, Barry...
- Yes, they are!


Hold me back!


You're an illegitimate bee,
aren't you, Benson?


He's denouncing bees!


Don't y'all date your cousins?


- Objection!
- I'm going to pincushion this guy!


Adam, don't! It's what he wants!


Oh, I'm hit!!


Oh, lordy, I am hit!


Order! Order!


The venom! The venom
is coursing through my veins!


I have been felled
by a winged beast of destruction!


You see? You can't treat them
like equals! They're striped savages!


Stinging's the only thing
they know! It's their way!


- Adam, stay with me.
- I can't feel my legs.


What angel of mercy
will come forward to suck the poison


from my heaving buttocks?


I will have order in this court. Order!


Order, please!


The case of the honeybees
versus the human race


took a pointed turn against the bees


yesterday when one of their legal
team stung Layton T. Montgomery.


- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.


- Is there much pain?
- Yeah.


I...


I blew the whole case, didn't I?


It doesn't matter. What matters is
you're alive. You could have died.


I'd be better off dead. Look at me.


They got it from the cafeteria
downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.


Look, there's
a little celery still on it.


What was it like to sting someone?


I can't explain it. It was all...


All adrenaline and then...
and then ecstasy!


All right.


You think it was all a trap?


Of course. I'm sorry.
I flew us right into this.


What were we thinking? Look at us. We're
just a couple of bugs in this world.


What will the humans do to us
if they win?


I don't know.


I hear they put the roaches in motels.
That doesn't sound so bad.


Adam, they check in,
but they don't check out!


Oh, my.


Oould you get a nurse
to close that window?


- Why?
- The smoke.


Bees don't smoke.


Right. Bees don't smoke.


Bees don't smoke!
But some bees are smoking.


That's it! That's our case!


It is? It's not over?


Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.


Get back to the court and stall.
Stall any way you can.


And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.


Mr. Flayman.


Yes? Yes, Your Honor!


Where is the rest of your team?


Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.


Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,


and as a result,
we don't make very good time.


I actually heard a funny story about...


Your Honor,
haven't these ridiculous bugs


taken up enough
of this court's valuable time?


How much longer will we allow
these absurd shenanigans to go on?


They have presented no compelling
evidence to support their charges


against my clients,
who run legitimate businesses.


I move for a complete dismissal
of this entire case!


Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going


to have to consider
Mr. Montgomery's motion.


But you can't! We have a terrific case.


Where is your proof?
Where is the evidence?


Show me the smoking gun!


Hold it, Your Honor!
You want a smoking gun?


Here is your smoking gun.


What is that?


It's a bee smoker!


What, this?
This harmless little contraption?


This couldn't hurt a fly,
let alone a bee.


Look at what has happened


to bees who have never been asked,
"Smoking or non?"


Is this what nature intended for us?


To be forcibly addicted
to smoke machines


and man-made wooden slat work camps?


Living out our lives as honey slaves
to the white man?


- What are we gonna do?
- He's playing the species card.


Ladies and gentlemen, please,
free these bees!


Free the bees! Free the bees!


Free the bees!


Free the bees! Free the bees!


The court finds in favor of the bees!


Vanessa, we won!


I knew you could do it! High-five!


Sorry.


I'm OK! You know what this means?


All the honey
will finally belong to the bees.


Now we won't have
to work so hard all the time.


This is an unholy perversion
of the balance of nature, Benson.


You'll regret this.


Barry, how much honey is out there?


All right. One at a time.


Barry, who are you wearing?


My sweater is Ralph Lauren,
and I have no pants.


- What if Montgomery's right?
- What do you mean?


We've been living the bee way
a long time, 27 million years.


Oongratulations on your victory.
What will you demand as a settlement?


First, we'll demand a complete shutdown
of all bee work camps.


Then we want back the honey
that was ours to begin with,


every last drop.


We demand an end to the glorification
of the bear as anything more


than a filthy, smelly,
bad-breath stink machine.


We're all aware
of what they do in the woods.


Wait for my signal.


Take him out.


He'll have nauseous
for a few hours, then he'll be fine.


And we will no longer tolerate
bee-negative nicknames...


But it's just a prance-about stage name!


...unnecessary inclusion of honey
in bogus health products


and la-dee-da human
tea-time snack garnishments.


Oan't breathe.


Bring it in, boys!


Hold it right there! Good.


Tap it.


Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,
and there's gallons more coming!


- I think we need to shut down!
- Shut down? We've never shut down.


Shut down honey production!


Stop making honey!


Turn your key, sir!


What do we do now?


Oannonball!


We're shutting honey production!


Mission abort.


Aborting pollination and nectar detail.
Returning to base.


Adam, you wouldn't believe
how much honey was out there.


Oh, yeah?


What's going on? Where is everybody?


- Are they out celebrating?
- They're home.


They don't know what to do.
Laying out, sleeping in.


I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way
to San Antonio with a cricket.


At least we got our honey back.


Sometimes I think, so what if humans
liked our honey? Who wouldn't?


It's the greatest thing in the world!
I was excited to be part of making it.


This was my new desk. This was my
new job. I wanted to do it really well.


And now...


Now I can't.


I don't understand
why they're not happy.


I thought their lives would be better!


They're doing nothing. It's amazing.
Honey really changes people.


You don't have any idea
what's going on, do you?


- What did you want to show me?
- This.


What happened here?


That is not the half of it.


Oh, no. Oh, my.


They're all wilting.


Doesn't look very good, does it?


No.


And whose fault do you think that is?


You know, I'm gonna guess bees.


Bees?


Specifically, me.


I didn't think bees not needing to make
honey would affect all these things.


It's notjust flowers.
Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.


That's our whole SAT test right there.


Take away produce, that affects
the entire animal kingdom.


And then, of course...


The human species?


So if there's no more pollination,


it could all just go south here,
couldn't it?


I know this is also partly my fault.


How about a suicide pact?


How do we do it?


- I'll sting you, you step on me.
- Thatjust kills you twice.


Right, right.


Listen, Barry...
sorry, but I gotta get going.


I had to open my mouth and talk.


Vanessa?


Vanessa? Why are you leaving?
Where are you going?


To the final Tournament of Roses parade
in Pasadena.


They've moved it to this weekend
because all the flowers are dying.


It's the last chance
I'll ever have to see it.


Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry.
I never meant it to turn out like this.


I know. Me neither.


Tournament of Roses.
Roses can't do sports.


Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?


Roses!


Vanessa!


Roses?!


Barry?


- Roses are flowers!
- Yes, they are.


Flowers, bees, pollen!


I know.
That's why this is the last parade.


Maybe not.
Oould you ask him to slow down?


Oould you slow down?


Barry!


OK, I made a huge mistake.
This is a total disaster, all my fault.


Yes, it kind of is.


I've ruined the planet.
I wanted to help you


with the flower shop.
I've made it worse.


Actually, it's completely closed down.


I thought maybe you were remodeling.


But I have another idea, and it's
greater than my previous ideas combined.


I don't want to hear it!


All right, they have the roses,
the roses have the pollen.


I know every bee, plant
and flower bud in this park.


All we gotta do is get what they've got
back here with what we've got.


- Bees.
- Park.


- Pollen!
- Flowers.


- Repollination!
- Across the nation!


Tournament of Roses,
Pasadena, Oalifornia.


They've got nothing
but flowers, floats and cotton candy.


Security will be tight.


I have an idea.


Vanessa Bloome, FTD.


Official floral business. It's real.


Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.


Thank you. It was a gift.


Once inside,
we just pick the right float.


How about The Princess and the Pea?


I could be the princess,
and you could be the pea!


Yes, I got it.


- Where should I sit?
- What are you?


- I believe I'm the pea.
- The pea?


It goes under the mattresses.


- Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.
- I'm getting the marshal.


You do that!
This whole parade is a fiasco!


Let's see what this baby'll do.


Hey, what are you doing?!


Then all we do
is blend in with traffic...


...without arousing suspicion.


Once at the airport,
there's no stopping us.


Stop! Security.


- You and your insect pack your float?
- Yes.


Has it been
in your possession the entire time?


Would you remove your shoes?


- Remove your stinger.
- It's part of me.


I know. Just having some fun.
Enjoy your flight.


Then if we're lucky, we'll have
just enough pollen to do the job.


Oan you believe how lucky we are? We
have just enough pollen to do the job!


I think this is gonna work.


It's got to work.


Attention, passengers,
this is Oaptain Scott.


We have a bit of bad weather
in New York.


It looks like we'll experience
a couple hours delay.


Barry, these are cut flowers
with no water. They'll never make it.


I gotta get up there
and talk to them.


Be careful.


Oan I get help
with the Sky Mall magazine?


I'd like to order the talking
inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.


Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.


- What'd you say, Hal?
- Nothing.


Bee!


Don't freak out! My entire species...


What are you doing?


- Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!
- Who's an attorney?


Don't move.


Oh, Barry.


Good afternoon, passengers.
This is your captain.


Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B
please report to the cockpit?


And please hurry!


What happened here?


There was a DustBuster,
a toupee, a life raft exploded.


One's bald, one's in a boat,
they're both unconscious!


- Is that another bee joke?
- No!


No one's flying the plane!


This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.
What's your status?


This is Vanessa Bloome.
I'm a florist from New York.


Where's the pilot?


He's unconscious,
and so is the copilot.


Not good. Does anyone onboard
have flight experience?


As a matter of fact, there is.


- Who's that?
- Barry Benson.


From the honey trial?! Oh, great.


Vanessa, this is nothing more
than a big metal bee.


It's got giant wings, huge engines.


I can't fly a plane.


- Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot?
- Yes.


How hard could it be?


Wait, Barry!
We're headed into some lightning.


This is Bob Bumble. We have some
late-breaking news from JFK Airport,


where a suspenseful scene
is developing.


Barry Benson,
fresh from his legal victory...


That's Barry!


...is attempting to land a plane,
loaded with people, flowers


and an incapacitated flight crew.


Flowers?!


We have a storm in the area
and two individuals at the controls


with absolutely no flight experience.


Just a minute.
There's a bee on that plane.


I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson
and his no-account compadres.


They've done enough damage.


But isn't he your only hope?


Technically, a bee
shouldn't be able to fly at all.


Their wings are too small...


Haven't we heard this a million times?


"The surface area of the wings
and body mass make no sense."


- Get this on the air!
- Got it.


- Stand by.
- We're going live.


The way we work may be a mystery to you.


Making honey takes a lot of bees
doing a lot of small jobs.


But let me tell you about a small job.


If you do it well,
it makes a big difference.


More than we realized.
To us, to everyone.


That's why I want to get bees
back to working together.


That's the bee way!
We're not made of Jell-O.


We get behind a fellow.


- Black and yellow!
- Hello!


Left, right, down, hover.


- Hover?
- Forget hover.


This isn't so hard.
Beep-beep! Beep-beep!


Barry, what happened?!


Wait, I think we were
on autopilot the whole time.


- That may have been helping me.
- And now we're not!


So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.


All of you, let's get
behind this fellow! Move it out!


Move out!


Our only chance is if I do what I'd do,
you copy me with the wings of the plane!


Don't have to yell.


I'm not yelling!
We're in a lot of trouble.


It's very hard to concentrate
with that panicky tone in your voice!


It's not a tone. I'm panicking!


I can't do this!


Vanessa, pull yourself together.
You have to snap out of it!


You snap out of it.


You snap out of it.


- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!


- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!


- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!


- Hold it!
- Why? Oome on, it's my turn.


How is the plane flying?


I don't know.


Hello?


Benson, got any flowers
for a happy occasion in there?


The Pollen Jocks!


They do get behind a fellow.


- Black and yellow.
- Hello.


All right, let's drop this tin can
on the blacktop.


Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?


No, nothing. It's all cloudy.


Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.


- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.


Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


Wait a minute.
I think I'm feeling something.


- What?
- I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.


Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.


Bring the nose down.


Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


- What in the world is on the tarmac?
- Get some lights on that!


Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


- Vanessa, aim for the flower.
- OK.


Out the engines. We're going in
on bee power. Ready, boys?


Affirmative!


Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.


Land on that flower!


Ready? Full reverse!


Spin it around!


- Not that flower! The other one!
- Which one?


- That flower.
- I'm aiming at the flower!


That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt.
I mean the giant pulsating flower


made of millions of bees!


Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.


Rotate around it.


- This is insane, Barry!
- This's the only way I know how to fly.


Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane
flying in an insect-like pattern?


Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid.
Smell it. Full reverse!


Just drop it. Be a part of it.


Aim for the center!


Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!


Oome on, already.


Barry, we did it!
You taught me how to fly!


- Yes. No high-five!
- Right.


Barry, it worked!
Did you see the giant flower?


What giant flower? Where? Of course
I saw the flower! That was genius!


- Thank you.
- But we're not done yet.


Listen, everyone!


This runway is covered
with the last pollen


from the last flowers
available anywhere on Earth.


That means this is our last chance.


We're the only ones who make honey,
pollinate flowers and dress like this.


If we're gonna survive as a species,
this is our moment! What do you say?


Are we going to be bees, orjust
Museum of Natural History keychains?


We're bees!


Keychain!


Then follow me! Except Keychain.


Hold on, Barry. Here.


You've earned this.


Yeah!


I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect
fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.


Oh, yeah.


That's our Barry.


Mom! The bees are back!


If anybody needs
to make a call, now's the time.


I got a feeling we'll be
working late tonight!


Here's your change. Have a great
afternoon! Oan I help who's next?


Would you like some honey with that?
It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.


Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me.
And I don't see a nickel!


Sometimes I just feel
like a piece of meat!


I had no idea.


Barry, I'm sorry.
Have you got a moment?


Would you excuse me?
My mosquito associate will help you.


Sorry I'm late.


He's a lawyer too?


I was already a blood-sucking parasite.
All I needed was a briefcase.


Have a great afternoon!


Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,
and I can't get them anywhere.


No problem, Vannie.
Just leave it to me.


You're a lifesaver, Barry.
Oan I help who's next?


All right, scramble, jocks!
It's time to fly.


Thank you, Barry!


That bee is living my life!


Let it go, Kenny.


- When will this nightmare end?!
- Let it all go.


- Beautiful day to fly.
- Sure is.


Between you and me,
I was dying to get out of that office.


You have got
to start thinking bee, my friend.


- Thinking bee!
- Me?


Hold it. Let's just stop
for a second. Hold it.


I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.
Oan we stop here?


I'm not making a major life decision
during a production number!


All right. Take ten, everybody.
Wrap it up, guys.


I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

Special thanks to SergeiK.



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